Six mo to be exact. Or six MORE if you want to use proper English. Yes, I have six more chemos to do starting Monday. But this is a good thing even though the thought of being sick again and the thought of losing ALL of my hair and the thought of going through what I've just gone through all over again is just so yucky I cannot even think of a smart word to describe it because at the end of those six chemos I will almost be cancer free. And I say almost because I don't think they actually give you that diagnosis until about five years after the cancer is actually considered slightly gone. Dr. Shaum said she would like it if I were no longer a patient, just a person who comes in for checkups every few months.
So starting this Monday I shall begin the process all over again. But with a smile on my face and a lighter heart (and one pair of jeans that fit) knowing that by the end of summer I will be jumping into the ocean in my size 2 bathing suit and swimming out to the Carpinteria float...Just me and my body with no cancer and a friend named Devon who always swims out to the float with me.
Now here are some slightly weird things...First of all, the gastro doctor who did the test on Monday...Dr. Hertz...did not see any gastritis. So I guess that's gone. Strange. No one can tell me why it's gone or where it might have come from if I actually had it. Hmmmmmm.
I have to interject something. Oh, don't you just love interjecting? Here's what it is I am interjecting...Sometimes, I can't spell. Now I know you know that because you read this thing and I know every once in a while you say, "Hey, this chick can't spell." Well, I KNOW THAT. So give me a break. I reread a couple of blogs and it was just awful. I even do spellcheck. So fuck you spellcheck for not knowing everything you're supposed to know...Like gastritis. I completely mispelled that last time. And that is why I never entered a spelling bee.
Okay, next strange thing...I was really, really sick the last few weeks. I mean wanting to die sick. And then Monday, Will arrived, I had this little endoscopy...and all the sickness went away. AND...and this is a big AND..........................AND I COULD EAT! After all these months, suddenly I ate an entire container of yogurt and some egg whites and an apple and a sugar free cookie and so on and I told the doctor and she had no idea why I could suddenly eat nor did she ever figure out what was making me that sick in the first place. Pain in my heart sick. Throwing up all the time sick. I even stopped taking those pain pills. Haven't had them all week. Call it a miracle? Oh come on, there is no such thing as a miracle and why on earth would it happen to me of all people, a miracle? And did the Red Sea really part? I guess that would be considered a miracle. Mary on a tortilla...That's a miracle. But whatever it is, the pain is gone.
For the moment.
I'll be curious to see just how sick the chemo makes me this time. Does the pain have something to do with the chemo? I have learned during this process that you can ask and answer a million questions that actually have no answer so it's either a waste of time to ask the questions or it's just plain fun but it's all a guessing game although I hope the doctors actually have some real answers to the questions and they're not all just guessing.
Although I think sometimes they are. They're only human...Unfortunately.
So tomorrow I get my wig which I'm going to need although I love my caps but with no hair sticking out the bottom of the cap it is not going to be as fun and you suddenly look like a person going through chemo which is not a bad thing. It just draws attention to yourself in a slightly pitiful way. Don't like that.
What day is it? Where am I? Hmmmmm. I'm hungry. How about some yogurt? Some yogurt and a wig. That is what my life has come down to at this point. Ah, the simple things.
And maybe a small miracle...........................................Although that's what it's really all about, don't you think? This whole life thing really is just a small miracle.
Or maybe not.
Just another one of those questions with no answer. Maybe I should call a doctor.........................