Sunday, June 15, 2008

Losing My Mind

I think my brain is getting smaller. I think some of the chemo poison is affecting my brain. Missing my last little cancer cells and attacking what is left of my mind. Last night I watched a really corny movie and I liked it. A lot. It's called The Notebook. Now I know that some of you are throwing up just thinking about that movie. It's just a corny old fashioned pull out your hankie love story with overwrought performances. But I was totally into it. And while I was watching it I kept thinking how lucky I was. What a great life I've had. Lucky because I've been in and out of love a few times, I've done stuff I've really enjoyed doing, I have this great son, I live in a nice house even though I'm going to move soon but probably to another nice house and lalala this movie made me feel just so happy about my life and life in general. And that is just SICKENING! I mean my teeth hurt thinking about how sweet it all is and I should be feeling awful right now because I have been through some pretty rotten times as of late. But I didn't feel that way watching that cornball film. So that is why I believe my brain has been affected by all of this poison going into my system.

And tomorrow I get more of this poison. Not happy about that because I'm still sort of reeling from the last treatment. Throwing up and I'm too tired as of late. I don't like feeling tired. In fact I think I drove to the farmers market today with my eyes closed. Or maybe I was having a dream at about mid morning while I was in the car. But I don't actually remember starting the car or picking up my yogurt from the Greek woman at the market but there it is in my fridge so I got there somehow but I don't remember driving or paying anyone. I certainly hope I paid her.

I keep thinking people are staring at my wig when I wear it out into the world. Like today at the market. Do they know I hardly have any hair underneath the hair hat I am wearing? It seemed to me like everyone from the soup lady to the lady picking out an avocado next to me was staring at my head. "Does she think we can't tell she's wearing a wig? It's so phony. Hey, check out that woman with the fake hair. Who is she kidding?" Maybe I won't leave the house until my hair grows back. Seems drastic but I do have a little vanity left. Oh hell, that's ridiculous. Who cares what other people think you?


I think my brain has become lifeless and paranoid and no longer has the portion that separates good taste from bad taste. Of course, I did always like the movie On Golden Pond so that probably proves that I never had taste in the first place. And that makes me feel better.

I miss the beach. I haven't sat on the shore in a long time. Couldn't do it last summer because I started all of this chemo mess exactly one year ago. So I couldn't get to the beach at all. And remember when I thought this year was going to be SOOOO much better than last year? What happened to that thought? Could I even imagine that NEXT year is going to be a good year? I suppose just the fact that I'm alive next year could be counted as being a good year because I'm waking up in the mornings.

The Notebook. One year from now I'm going to watch that movie again and see what I think. My brain should be stable by then. Maybe I could have some popcorn one year from now. That would be exciting. And a hot dog. And...anything! Remember this date. June 15th. One year from now. Maybe I'll have my own hair. Maybemaybemaybe.......................................


Frank said...

I watched "The Notebook" because my wife likes James Garner but, in spite of my initial reluctance, I liked the movie. We watched it again recently and I still liked it. Next June 15 we plan to watch it again in your honor. I will be thinking of you and hoping you are watching too.

Sheehan said...

A former student of mine produced The Notebook and had one of those geese sitting in his office for a while. Nick Cassevetes directed and on the first day of shooting Nick set the scene and then said, "Action, Mom."
A little schmaltz and a little love can go a long way. I loved it and next year, I'll watch it again, too.


Sister Mary Martha said...

Try googling 'chemo brain' and see what that says. My cousin and I were discussing when we had chemo brain, which is a cliquey way of saying "stupid for awhile".

Chemo brain clears back up again, but not until you find yourself in rapt attention, as I did, with a two hour slow speed car chase or "BattleField Earth".

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I must say I rather liked THE NOTEBOOK, too....and my only excuse is I like sappy movies with actors I admire. But there have been times when I watched a movie with Joan Leslie and I forget the man---a "C" movie if there is such a thing, and I cried like a baby.
For me it has to do with being in a very vulnerable state and then the Waterworks Is Turned On by almost any film. (I LOVED "On Golden Pond"....Surprised?? NO!...LOL) I will watch THE NOTEBOK next Jjne 15th, too....Maybe we should have a "NOTEBOOK party!