Okay, now I have noticed that both my ass AND my boobs are almost entirely gone. And next my hair!! So what the hell am I, then? A hairless, boobless, assless woman? Does that sound attractive to you? I actually think the man formerly known as my husband left just in the nick of time. And while I was obsessing on my loss of feminine body parts I started wondering...What if I was with a man right now, what would he have to lose to make me leave HIM? His penis? If he lost his penis would I leave? And beyond that, what actually makes him a man? Not hair. Bald men are very masculine and handsome. Boobs? Well, I suppose if he developed man boobs that might be a problem. His deep voice? What if he had throat cancer and suddenly talked like Marilyn Monroe? Would that be a turnoff? Or would that be just thrilling? And am I losing my mind in some insidious way and should I have my computer taken away from me before I write something that I might regret someday soon?
On my good days, in my good moments, I actually get a bit excited about tomorrow. Tomorrow meaning the future. This feeling could, of course, be brought on by my pain patch but I will take whatever excitement I can feel at this point. In fact, I have a whole case of pain patches and I wonder what I would feel like if I stuck all of them on my arm...Just for one night...I mean, that might be just too much happiness. More than I could stand. But would that be a bad thing? Too much happiness? Can you even imagine that? And here's where my mind always goes when I think of too much happiness....To heaven. That's where it goes. And what that's all about anyway because I have these conversations ever so often with my friends about heaven and everyone has a strong feeling about what is going to happen to all of us after we die. Oh, you want to ruin a party? Just tell them you don't believe in an afterlife. Puts a stop to any fun someone might be having almost immediately.
"More martinis please and can someone get this crazy heathen woman away from me right now!"
But just the fact that I can imagine a day when I can teach again and write something and possibly sell something puts me at such an advantage and I realize how lucky I am compared to most people that there is no way I can sit in my living room feeling sorry for myself just because I have cancer and some mini emotional earquakes hit me last year and yet I can contemplate a future with light in it and jokes and smiles and maybe a new pair of pants so how the hell lucky am I?
That's all I'm thinking about today. And also about turkey meatloaf. I can't seem to eat by mouth these days but I think about the things I might be eating if I could. An orange. A grapefruit. Maybe I'll check out the food channel. Is it me or does Rachel Ray look a lot like SpongeBob Squarepants?
Must go and plug myself in now. Maybe there is some really cool outfit I can come up with for a hairless, boobless, assless woman. A floor length hoodie, perhaps? A tent? Maybe just a ticket to somewhere else. Like Siberia.
But tomorrow is going to be exciting. I can feel it. And that's why I'm lucky.