Saturday, March 15, 2008

Death by Kenny G


Actually, I'm not in St. Johns. I'm at home. All cozy and nestled by my computer. (Nestled? Is that a word? Weren't they nestled all snug in their beds? Have YOU ever been nestled?)

So?...........What's shakin' bacon? How the hell have you been? I'm so worried about you. Haven't heard from you in a week or so. Are you alive? Have you moved to the South of France? Do you not want to talk to me anymore? What's going on?

Welllllllllllllllllll, it's me and my BF, the feeding tube, here to tell you that we've just returned from almost a week in the hospital getting some hydration and nutrition. I think by the time my feeding friend was reattached I was already so depleted that there was no way I could give myself enough food and water anymore no matter how much I tried to sink into the tube. So I had myself checked in last weekend and I'm feeling a bit stronger and I actually gained two pounds and I'm hoping to gain at least eight more before I start the balding chemo. And I now have a pain patch plus I'm taking pain pills and I'm feeling a bit like Richard Pryor must have felt most of the time although my pain is great enough to make me feel actually almost normal instead of the high one gets when they take the pills and don't really have any pain.

Things I Learned in the Hospital................

If you are going to be near a nurse's station, make sure they don't play soft rock on the radio ALL DAY LONG because that kind of music sort of makes you want to swallow the entire bottle of pills because it doesn't quite put you to sleep it just sort of lulls you into thinking everything is just so relaxed and fine and no one should ever have an individual thought and we should just smile and give up on everything and just lie in our beds and eat jello. Anyway, that's sort of how Kenny G makes me feel.

A hospital chaplain came into my room. She was a nun. The Sisters of Leavenworth. (I kid you not.) She was very prim and friendly and wanted to know my spiritual path until I told her I was a Jew and she became very frazzled and nervously looked me up on her sheet of patients and said I had listed myself as non denominational. I think I smiled demonically because she looked scared when I said that I was born a Jew and will be one until I die but I liked to think of myself as being part of all religions in the world. And until we all thought of ourselves as ONE we would continue to have the same problems over and over.

She left quickly and said she would refer me to the hospital Rabbi. He came just as I was checking out and he too seemed to have a demonic look. He'd probably just run into the Chaplain.

Another reason to take the entire bottle of pills...Daytime television.

Another reason...Nighttime television. Okay, Anderson Cooper is supposed to be news, right? Well, not really but he hit a new low when after the Spitzer reveal he had on for at least twenty minutes a man dubbed The King of All Pimps. Oh my God, this guy was so self confident and self important and he had spent two years in prison for running a prostitution ring and he talked as the expert he was about prostitutes and "You get what you pay for..." and he was proud to announce that he now had a dating service for high class New Yorkers!! You know the Spitzer story is over when the only person you can find to interview is a Jewish pimp who thinks Jeremy Pivan would be the perfect actor to play him in a movie.

Actually, Jeremy Pivan is a great idea.

I realized that the reason Geraldine Ferraro could run for Vice President is because she's actually a man. How different it would be if Geraldine and Hillary had really long rock and roll hair and it hung in their faces when they gave speeches and it was all tossled and full of product when they walked to the helicopters and imagine if Bill ran his fingers through Hillary's long hair when they were at a state dinner. I mean, what is with this hair like a man thing? And, conversely, what if Bill had a cut like Bon Jovi? Probably not a good look for him as I watch his nose get longer and longer. Must be the Pinnochio curse.

And what about our President dancing on the White House porch? The pills, please...........

Must party down now. After all, it is Saturday night. Maybe I'll switch on The Wave and have myself a shot of Kefir. Gee gosh golly, life is sometimes just a little too exciting, don't you think?


Zombie Mom said...

I am a shameless lurker who is happy to see you back and posting again. I am personally about to be done in my horrible children's music because I was foolish enough to think adopting in my early forties wouldn't impact my cultural consumption... naught! Despite programming the wee ones to listen to the early Stones from the moment they came home- I recently found myself singing a song from Bunnytown. The horror...

Despite my dubious musical taste of late, I recently had to rescue a good friend from the curse of the nurse's station soft rock - she spent the better part of five months fighting of malnutrition and audio-pap whilst hooked up to various tubes and IVs.

Hope you stay out of pain and away from Kenny G.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

LOL, LOL, LOL...I think I had three LOL's on this one, Trish....!
The NUN Chaplain....HILARIOUS! Daytime TV and Anderson C....A PIMP????? OY! The Bottom Of The Barrel---Hello??
And just everything about the way you write, my dear...I think I actually laughed 6 times.
I'm glad you are home and snuggly "nestled" in your own bed and Nutritionized!! HOORAY! I speak for many---WE MISSED YOU! We realy did, and yes, I was worried, and that's because I love you dearly....! Welcome Back To Blogville, my dear!

Why does it seem so hard for people to get that until we are all know the rest...And also, that "once a Jew, Always a Jew, Culturally Speaking it is century's in the blood and psyche...! And has very little to do with the "practice" of the religion...?? OH well, I guess you have to be Jewish to get that!
I send you Big Welcome Home Hugs, my dear.

Anonymous said...

One thing is for sure - your sense of humor has survived everything and is well intact!

I've missed my dose of laughter from your blog and am glad you are back and making me ROTF LOL.

I hope you don't have to go back inpatient for a long while (for hydration/nutrient buildup) and that when you start the "balding chemo" that you will blog your way through the adversities.

SO GLAD to see you back!


Anonymous said...

what's going on ?
tubular bacon?
Do you not want to talk to ME anymore?
Is your tube plain or a color - purple- Gay ?

The Nun's Story - nice roundhouse TKO.

Saw AC newscast i think the next night he lead with the photo of the hooker.

Only in the USA this actual public equation linking sex lives and fitness to serve.

Seems Spitzer is a putz personally but got the most meaningful banking and stocks reform laws in decades on the books.

Met G Ferraro once - delicate handshake, and conservative clothes and hard fast spray hairdo, but
her guffaws said hey babe take a walk on the wild side.

Scarlet said...

Well, it sounds like you've had quite the hospital stay w/ all those colorful characters on and off the screen.

It's good to know you're home safe and sound where you're not force fed Kenny G 24/7.

I think you had a few of us worried for a while there, and then you hit us w/ this hilarious comeback. I'm glad you're back.

gary said...

"So a Nun, a Priest, and a Rabbi walk into a hospital..."

If you ask me, it's just plain bad business to offer the service of clergy members as a regular practice. It simply does not engender confidence. What other industry would do this? Imagine booking an airline ticket. First class or coach? Window or aisle? Rabbi or Priest? If I ever wind up in the hospital, I want them to have representatives from Ticketmaster or Carnival cruises...Trish, you are one tough matzo ball! I'm glad you are back in the comfort of your own home. My thoughts are with you.