When I am sitting in a waiting room, which I seem to do quite frequently these days, I always thumb through the magazines that I would never buy. Oprah, Health and Fitness, Family Circle...And what the hell does Family Circle mean anyway? What family sits in a circle? I think of American Indians sitting outside of their tee pees in front of a fire but that can't be what they mean, can it? But the point I am trying to make is that the two advertisements that catch my eye these days and that are all over magazines and TV and radio are ads for losing weight and ads for shampoo. Since I am thin now and about to be bald I find these ads very offensive. How dare they show me some gorgeous girl with glorious red hair flowing down her back? How insensitive is that? Does it ever occur to them that there are bald women out there who are quite hurt by these ads? And losing weight. What about us thin people?! Us people who are having a hard time eating? Money money money it's just all about money and there are more fat people out there than there are thin people or at least people who think they are fat, of which I was once one of those people. Looked in the mirror and saw little love handles and thought yuck, what the hell are these and how did they get there? But, of course, I would do anything to have those handles because there is not much to hold onto now. And my pinhead!! What am I going to do about that when the hair falls out? I'm just going to have to go out and get a fathead hat or a fathead wig. I'm calling the wig guy tomorrow. My only decision is should I go red? Brown? Curly? Cornrows!! Oh yeah, the kind with a million beads going up and down the rows. That would be an interesting look. I could run like Bo Derek along the beach and let my beads swoosh back and forth and with my luck these days probably knock me in the eye and rip my cornea out.
Hey, but I'm not taking any of this bad luck personally. Like God has it out for me, Trish.
"Yes, I am God and I'm looking down at the earth and the one thing that comes into focus for me is that obnoxious Trish Soodik. What a mistake bringing her onto the earth. Think I'll smite her a bit. And then, what the hell, I'll smite her a bit more. She could use some smiting. Who does she think she is anyway being sort of nice like that. Eating all that broccoli and exercising. I'll show her................."
No, I don't think like that.
WHY ME DAMMIT?! WHYWHYWHY!
So the date is set to get my feeding tube reattached to my intestine. Oh yummy. All those yummy chemicals to put directly into my body. But the good news is water. I will be able to absorb lots of water. Should be good for my skin. My head. My shiny head. And yes, I am a bit obsessed by this hair loss thing. Freaks me out really. I think I'm going to get a Chicago Bears hat to wear. One of those knit caps.
Oh, what am I saying? It such a gigantic bummer. I'm trying to laugh about it hahaha but it is so not funny. A tube coming out of my middle and a bald head. WHAT KIND OF A LIFE IS THAT? Maybe I could be a Doonesberry strip. But a person. A woman? Maybe I could get a job on Star Trek, the weird generation. Maybe I could just sit in my living room and watch movies and election news until my hair grows back.
Maybe I'll get a poodle wig. Or a hat with rabbit ears. Wow, that gives me a whole new way to look at this. Hmmmmm, rabbit ears. No one would bother me if I had rabbit ears. I could probably walk down a dark alley naked with my tube hanging out and my rabbit ears pointing skyward and I'll bet you every guy walking down that dark alley would leave me alone. Yeah, that's the ticket. Rabbit ears to maintain my dignity. Maybe this won't be so bad after all..........................