Yes, I do feel at times like I'm on the Hindenburg or the Titanic or some spectacular vessel that is about to go down. But I will try not to panic just yet and I still have a bit of hope that I'll be able to spot the iceberg before it slams me in the guts...
The cancer is back. No, I can't fucking believe it either. Back just where it was before. And here is the news that no girl with any dignity likes to hear...I'm going to be BALD! Going to lose my hair this time. And how's this for irony...I had a hair appointment for tomorrow for some highlights. Guess I'll be cancelling that one. Unless we can think of a creative way to highlight my scalp.
I think the thing to do it to think positively and to try and make some sense out of all of this. Look on the bright side. Because there is always a bright side somewhere, don't you think?
NO FUCKING WAY! THIS JUST PLAIN SUCKS. How come Diablo Cody gets to have a great life? How come assholes all over the world are laughing and having a wonderful time and swimming and buying new shoes and eating delicious meals and having martinis and making love and spooning and watching plays and
Just because, that's why. Nothing makes sense. It's all random. Oh, I could read that Buddhist Nun's books where you breath and you accept and you commune with nature and find something deep inside of yourself that centers you and makes you feel a part of the whole but
I AM PISSED OFF BEYOND BELIEF and I don't think this is fair and I hate certain people and I'm not sure about god right now and what the hell that means. But here's the thing...I am not afraid to die. I just hate the pain one has to go through to deal with all of this stuff. And if I didn't have a fabulous son I might run down to the beach right now and take off all of my clothes and jump into the water and swim out until I was eaten by a shark. (Eeewwww, what a horrible way to go.) But anyway, there is a reason to be here so I'm going to do the damn chemo again and lose my hair and look like a pinhead and oh, by the way, I'm going to get that feeding tube put back in again. Bald with a feeding tube. Oh, I can just imagine the guy I'm going to meet with that look. Maybe a blind guy.
So that's my cheery news of the day. And how are you?