Thursday, February 28, 2008

Eating Crow

I forgot to mention the absolutely stupid assholic day that I went to the..."nutritionist"! I got the name of this ridiculous woman through the Wellness Community which is a sort of sweet place populated by bald women wearing cute hats. So I was looking forward to having an "expert" point me in a direction I may not have noticed so I could get some needed nutrition advise since today I have only had two sips of soup and a piece of honeydew and a piece of eggplant. And that's on a good day. But I do not think that is enough to sustain life on planet earth but maybe I'm wrong. Anyway, this very busy nutritionist gave me an appointment and apologized ahead of time for her office which was being remodeled. The office was in Beverly Hills. How can a nutritionist afford an office in Bev Hills, you ask? Aha. Mistake number one on my part. Should have known she would charge an arm and a waiting room couch.

So I get there and yes, the office is a complete mess. One old chair in the "waiting room" and open fixtures on the ceiling. That's fine. But then she ushers me very quickly into her office where she has a little messy desk in a corner and she weighs me and I'm looking at all of the diamonds she has on her wrist and her fingers and I'm looking at her and she appears to be in her thirties and just oh so busy and she asks me about my problems and she sort of gasps at my situation, which was mistake number two on my part. Should have left after the gasps. Then she starts scribbling things down on the back of what looks to be a letter from the gas company. Things like...Don't eat sugar...Which is something I had just told her I couldn't do. I would say..."I love avocados." And she would write down...Eat avocados...And I would say..."I love cheese."...And she would write...Eat cheese. And this went on for about half an hour. The appointment was scheduled for fifty minutes. But, voila, we were done.

"That's it?"
"Yes."
"Should I call you? Are you going to check up on me?"
"Ah, yeah. Sure. Sounds goood."

Her fancy cell phone rang. More than once. She was picking out wallpaper for the office and someone had mistakenly delivered way too rich a beige. She wanted more of an eggshell color and she was going to stop at nothing until she got it.

I shall not mention her name (rachel beller) but DO NOT go to a nutritionist. Unless you have no idea that broccoli is good for you and fast food is not. Waste of time. Waste of money. I want that half an hour back. I want to take her diamonds and stuff them in her ears and I want to pour flax seed oil down her gullet and into her purse. And then I want to rub my own body with flax seed oil for being such a stupid sucker.

When you are sick, all of your friends want to help you, which is wonderful. But I find myself in an uncomfortable position some of the time because not all friends can help you at all times and you might ask someone to drive you somewhere and then another friend gets jealous because he wanted to drive you somewhere and then you start getting very anxious as to which friend you should pick to drive you somewhere and the anxiety makes you throw up and you end up driving yourself because you don't want to upset anyone. I believe that is one thing you don't have to deal with when you have a partner. Your partner drives you everywhere. End of story. But when you live alone you have to choose someone to help and it becomes this OTHER drama about who is a closer friend.

And then there is the feeling that everyone is talking about you behind your back. "She's got cancer again. She doesn't look so good. Oh my gosh, what 's going to happen to her?"

Hmmmmm. Do you think I might be just a little paranoid? Maybe you're not talking about me at all. Maybe nobody wants to drive me anywhere. Maybe I'm just delusional and self important.

Maybe I'm hungry.

But here's what I was thinking about yesterday...If I die, in a matter of years I will be forgotten. However, Hitler will be remembered forever.

Yes, I am hungry. Now what would that nutritionist recommend? Eggshell perhaps?...............

7 comments:

JS said...

Oh god.
I love that you told us her name!
"Food and Healing" by Annemarie Colbin is a book by my bed and has been for years...much cheaper than the BH B***h and full of wisdom, her cookbook "whole meals" is deliciously good. Chicken broth....oh-I'm sure you've had too much advice..
You never ask me to drive and I'm wildly jealous dont'cha know.

Girl About Town said...

Bold her name, I say! Put it in caps! In red!! I too, am glad you outed this woman!!!

But as the old cliche goes, there are lots more fish in the sea. And just because this experience was bad, doesn't mean you can't find something of worth someplace else.

You have the most brilliant writing style, btw.

Am thinking good thoughts for you.

Linda @ Barefoot in the Park

Anne said...

Hi Trish: (Came via Naomi)

I don't put a lot of stock in going to nutritionists. The way I figure is that I can read a book as well as any of them.

But common sense tells you, if you are hungry for something, go eat it; if you want to eat only breakfasts and no other meals, then do that. As long as you are eating SOMETHING, that's the main thing.

I'm up to smoothies in the blender several times a day. With MS, I also have major swallowing problems so that I can't eat solid foods. Nothing close to what you are enduring, but I thought I'd share that.

I hope you have some good days soon, good friends (that won't talk behind your back), and continued good humor. You always make me laugh.
Take care, Anne

skb2714 said...

Yo Trish-Hi from B'more. You are so my hero. I always wondered what a nutritionist knew that I didn't know. I saw Nancy R. and David G at a dinner party last week. We reminisced and talked of you. I'm sending you my best-est wishes for health and strength. Hugs,
Susan B-aka SchoolNurse

WendyWings said...

Good on you for naming and shaming. I am amazed there were not cameras there from E filming an episode of "Nutrionist 90210"
Smoothies sound like a good thing for you right now but that is easy to say from here right.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

Good Lord this so called Nutrisionst is out if a very bad movie...! And The Wellness Community gave this recomendation?? OY!

You made me laugh out loud, once again, Trish....And I NEVER thought there would be almost anything about Hitler that could make me laugh except "Springtime For You-Know-Who"!

Have you ever read Suzanne Somers book?? I know, I know...I'm doing exactly what I should not be dping...Forgive me, please...I know people who are very close to her who say she has truly devoted gerself to helping people with cancer--being a cancer survivor herself...It's all about food, etc!
Well....at least it's cheaper than The Bev Hills Creepola!

Nicole said...

Hi Trish,

Tim (NY's husband) here. She and I are sitting in front of the keyboard. She'd just read about your cancer recurrence. I asked her to show me your blog. I noticed that, aside from the fact that you're such a talented writer, your luck is lousy right now, I agree. However, we're sending you all good thoughts, and you do have that amazing boy (man?), Will(ie), so we remain optimistic about Trish Soodik. If there is ever anything we can do, please let us know (although we are regrettably out of the assassination business--full disclosure here).

All the best,

T & N