First of all on a happy note in an otherwise slightly dark day...Cedric the hot dog man (and boy is he more than that) gave me a big hug and a kiss today upon seeing me. Oh my gosh he is such a tower of positive energy he practically glows. So he asked me where I was going and I told him I was going home to try and write a......................novel...................( I am barely able to say that word because it seems so wrong or like I'm kidding myself or something highly neurotic.) Anyway, Cedric said in his inimitable style..."Nothing to it but to do it."
"NOTHING TO IT BUT TO DO IT!!!"
Why can't I think like that? Simple and straight to the point. Why must I jump up and down and feel sorry for myself and look things up on the internet that are meaningless like traveling to somewhere I don't really want to go to and all just to keep myself from writing that.......... novel................I have got to harness some of Cedric's secret powers of living. I am way too cynical to read a self help book but if Cedric published one, I would be the first in line to have my copy signed.
And by the way, Andy, my blog takeover pal, actually found Cedric and ordered some very spicey dog and called me while he was chewing and gave it a full thumbs up although next time he said he would not order the extreme spicey dog. I, personally, would order a simple dog with the works. Just for starters. And give yourself a few minutes to sit at one of Cedric's chairs and chat. You will not be disappointed.
Today I had my pre-op exam and the drawing of the blood was grueling but I got through it and I was lucky to have about twenty minutes with Dr. Miyakawa to talk about life and death. And I realized as I left that I was much more comfortable with death than I am with life. I need help. And I'm not even kidding about that. I am all set to die, have no problem with death. It's living I'm having a hard time with. I do think that part of that is my infected wound. I cannot wait to see how I feel when that thing is gone and over with. And I have got to get out of this house and I don't know if I mentioned this before but the man formerly known as my husband only took his clothes and LEFT ALL OF HIS STUFF HERE. I probably mentioned that but it's been almost a year and a half and I am sick of looking at it and feeling like a storage unit. Why, you ask? Why didn't I do something about that sooner? Well, I should have but I did have cancer so I got a bit way layed. (Or wailaid or how the hell do you spell that and what the hell does it mean?)
So I'm sort of in a dark Sylvia Plath mood and I think it's the wound at least I hope it is but I did observe something interesting today. A couple came into the vitamin drip room. Around seventy I would say. He with a bad hair dye job and she with a face lift that did some serious Dumbo damage to ears. Her face was all fucked up and it made her ears look enormous! I cannot imagine that she had them fixed to look like that. Unless a Circus Vet did her face lift. Anyway, thank goodness they were a couple. They had come all the way from Orange County for her drip. They sort of hated Orange County but all they could afford was Leisure World which he refered to as Seizure World. But the one thing they did like was taking Fox Trot lessons. They went on and on about it and he suddenly got up in the middle of the drip room and showed us the proper posture and moves for the fox trot. And one woman was trying to read and one guy was sticking his fingers in and out of the holes in his sweater and this dancing guy kept dancing and it was sort of amazing to not even think that there might be people in the room who wanted to relax and spend their drip time in some type of meditation. But I liked his dancing. He had very good posture. The fact that he tripped a few dozens times could happen to anyone just learning the steps. The fact that the Dumbo ears seemed to get red with some sort of sickening erotic anticipation made me a little sick to my stomach but I'm sick most of the time anyway so why connect it with her ears?
Anyway, I'm already hoping that 2009 is a better year. Do you think that's being much too much of a pessimist?
I just don't know. I just don't know......................