Oh sure, there you are with your positive outlook and encouraging comments telling me how fabulous this year is going to be and that there is such a thing as karma and I am so overdue and you just know that everything is going to be coming up roses and you will not believe what I have to do next Monday..............
I want to talk about forgiveness. So I was reading the paper yesterday and there was an article about a woman who was in the death camps when she was ten and she was there with her twin sister and Dr. Mengele loved experimenting on twins, which he was doing with this poor woman and this woman received a letter maybe twenty years ago from an SS guy asking for her forgiveness and she gave it to him and said it felt like a weight was lifted from her shoulders. And I, being the selfish self centered person that I am, started thinking immediately about the man formerly known as my husband and if I could ever forgive him. Nazis... my husband... my husband... Nazis. Come on, I thought, if this woman could forgive people who did not give a shit about her as a human being and a CHILD then certainly I could forgive someone who let go of a family and left me for another at a very vulnerable time in my life. There is no comparison. Be reasonable, Trish. The man formerly known is not, after all, Mengele. Surely I could forgive.
Ah..............Nope. Can't go there yet. And of course I realized that that woman was so much more of an enlightened human being than I could ever be. I love to hold on to my petty little anger. Don't you? Oooooo, it just makes you feel so good to have someone you don't like, someone you can celebrate when they're going through a rough patch. Someone whose life might occasionally be WORSE THAN YOURS. That is how petty and unformed I am. I don't know, I try to be enlightened. Forgive. Try to love my enemy. But my little nine year old nasty girl self keeps whispering in my ear, "I hate you Susie Collins because you're pretty and you're perfect and you're really good at volley ball and you hurt my feelings because you won't invite me over to your apartment and I hope something horrible happens to you."
And then Susie just goes on with her lalala lovely life and you're holding on to all of those bad feelings that just eat you up inside and turn your eyebrows grey and I am so impressed with that woman who forgave the Nazis. I'm going to save that article.
Okay, remember the feeding tube? The supposed cauterization? WELL I HAVE TO HAVE ANOTHER STUPID LITTLE FUCKING OPERATION NEXT MONDAY. Because the wound has been infected for over two months and there might be a small part of the tube wrapped around (get ready for this) my intestine! And it's only the seventh day of the new year. Why on earth did I let myself believe that things would be a breeze after the first!! Maybe it's my attitude. But no, that would mean that the world has something to do with ME and I know I am but a speck of dust in the universe so I guess it's just a bit of bad luck that has surrounded me for the PAST THREE YEARS. Like that kid in Charlie Brown who walks around surrounded by dirt.
But it's not like the bad luck that poor woman had during the Holocaust. Or the people in Darfur are having. Or in Kenya. I know that. I am so lucky in so many ways. I just have to look at a picture of my son that sits on my desk and I know how lucky I am. I think it's just this......I'm Jewish...I complain. I whine and I complain. I am not complete without a complaint. Now that I think about it, I realize that's why Jews stick together. Who else would listen to such whining for four thousand years? Oy, I hate my nose. Oy, I'm way too fat. Oy, I need some land. Oyoyoy.
Thank goodness there are some that break the cycle and learn how to forgive. So I'm having another operation. So I'm getting more stitches in my belly. Surely, I can handle this with a smile on my face. Surely, I can do this without complaining.
Yes, I am going to break the four thousand year old cycle of Jewish girls complaining. Yes! That is what I am going to do.
But first...What the hell should I wear to this next operation? There is like absolutely nothing in my closet............................