Okay, Bobby DeNiro is in some movie playing a pirate. That can't be right. "Hey you little creep, walk that fuckin' plank before I cut your fuckin' heart out. Arrghhh." I don't know, just doesn't work for me.
I swim everyday and after about six months my Speedo bathing suit disintegrates so I went to buy a new one today and this particular store also sold nightgowns and intimate apparel and girly stuff. And I was looking at the nightgowns and thinking that I was going to be in the hospital for a week or so and wouldn't it be nice to have something rather than an old t-shirt to wear in bed. So I told the two salesgirls that I was going to be in the hospital and they both WINKED and said how great it was going to be when it was all over. And I realized that they thought I was going in for plastic surgery. So I told them I had cancer and they laughed and said that was a good one. They had heard all kinds of stories as people disappear to have things nipped and tucked. One woman said she was visiting her sick grandmother who had actually died years ago. Another that she was going to some kind of reunion in Europe. And they laughed and just thought it was all so clever and funny and I ran out of there without paying for my Speedo, which I left on the counter. There are times when I really do feel like I am living in a parallel universe.
For instance, what the hell happened to KCET? Everytime I turn it on I see Celtic singers, like thousands of them. Is everyone in Norway a Celtic singer? Or doo wap groups wearing orange suits with pants that don't reach their ankles. Or Ed Ames who I think died years ago but he's still singing some song that he says was a hit although I don't know on what planet. Didn't KCET used to have mysteries and English detectives and Victorian dramas? Now they seem to sell collections of oldies or self help books written by some bald guy who says he has the answer for how to have a happy life but I listened to him and it's pretty much "be here now" and didn't insane Timothy Leary actually say the same thing? Maybe the bald guy is on acid although he looks like more of a martini/golf dude to me.
Now there is another singer that I came upon who really fascinated me. Larry Anderson the singing attorney. I kid you not. I love the channels that no one watches more than anything on regular TV or cable. The people on these off channels are nuts and what is more exciting to watch than a very strange man singing the theme to The Godfather? Did you even know that melody actually had lyrics? I didn't. "Oh yes my love I'm here I'm standing on the street..." Something like that. They were the worst lyrics I'd ever heard and I couldn't take my eyes off of Larry, he was so bad, but he was selling this song like he was Sinatra. Standing in front of a blue backdrop, wearing his little suit and tie. I wanted to hire him right on the spot. Does he sing in court? I've got to get this guys number because you never know when you're going to need a singing attorney.
Just to let everyone know...I love you but I have decided that when I am operated on, I don't want any visitors until I get the tube out of my nose. The tube that goes from my nose to my stomach. Is that even possible? Oh...My...Gosh...Vanity? No, it's just so disgusting that I think I want to be alone with my own yuck. I do have my dignity. Sort of. (No, that's a complete lie. I have absolutely no dignity anymore.) Anyway, I will write more about the upcoming incision next week.
Now I've got to go buy a bathing suit. Hey, I just thought of this...
...Sounds like a Jon Stewart segment.