Terms Of A Deer in the Headlights

Onward, I suppose. On Monday I am to call Dr. Zev Wainberg at UCLA who is in charge of a clinical trial that has been going on for about a year with good results. Sounds promising, eh? Of course, one, meaning me, has to qualify to be a part of this trial and I think from what Dr. Shaum tells me that I AM qualified. This would mean I would not do the trial in Japan although I think I should keep all of my options open since the one in Japan sounds even more promising, from what friends have read. I went online once to check out some things dealing with what I've got and that was a very BAAAAD idea. Because if you go on you will find out all kind of good things and then a whole bunch of very bad and scary things and it seems like you should not fill your brain, which is already messed up, with nasty scary things. Like you have twenty eight seconds to live. Then your whole world just becomes like a Twilight Zone episode. But actually, now that I think if my life as that it somehow seems a lot more fun and then I get to write the ending and maybe it could be, if it's Twilight Zone, that I turn out to be the only healthy person living on earth and in my body is the cure for everyone else's problems so I become the person in the world that everyone needs to see so my house is never empty because people are always coming over for the antidote and the need to talk to me........................

Alright, that was becoming too insane. What was I talking about? The other difficult part with the brain anxiety I'm having is the inability to focus for very long on one thought. That might be because I don't want to focus on one thought. Maybe it's too scary. So I've got to let my brain travel all over the place until it lands somewhere that seems safe for a moment. Like the Twilight Zone. Ahhhhh. I feel safe already. Thank you Mr. Serling.

And I'm glancing up and watching the Olympics as I write this and I'm wondering how so many gorgeous women end up playing volleyball? They are not all tall so it's not that. But these are knockout women. Brazilian and American. Beauties, all of them. I liked volleyball in high school and at camp but I was never very good at it. I think I needed glasses long before I got them which was pretty late in my life. But I always had a hard time with games with balls. I could never see the damn ball until it was just about hitting my nose. And I wasn't a bad athlete in things like swimming so I have to believe I needed glasses. Of course, longer legs would have helped with volleyball, too. Longer legs would have helped with a lot of things. I actually thought that when I was around ten that I might end up being tall because for a moment I was one of the tallest girls in my class. That was, I must repeat...FOR A MOMENT. No longer. Maybe like thirty seconds. Plus I should have just looked at my mother and grandmother who stood, oh, around four feet eleven...With heels. And I would have known my fate. Luckily I was able to fight the extremely round gene that made one look like a walking refrigerator. And now with just half a stomach I never have to think about the refrigerator look again. So there are many things to be thankful for. However, would I trade health for a forty four inch waste? Your damn right I would. I would look like a dark grey Hummer with awful hair if I could have my health back.

Now wait a minute, Trish, think carefully. You're wearing a size two right now. Wouldn't most women just die to be like that even for a moment. Aha, the key word is die. Would they die to be thin? Nope. Although think about Kanye West's mom. She did die to look thinner. I'm sure she would rather have her life back now and forget about her notion of no waist and boobs. Oh, the choices we have...Sometimes.

I hope I have some choices. I'm going to start doing more mind/body work. Deep down I think that maybe, just maybe I can make some choices that might seem impossible to make just by thinking hard enough. But I've really got to concentrate. Find a quiet spot and go to it everyday and just work that mind. Some people really believe in this and I will no longer poo poo any methods as long as one person says..."You know...This works." Who am I to judge?

Onward. Forward. Another day. I saw the ocean. It was beautiful. I bought some honeydew. I'm breathing.

And I'm going to get tomorrow. Those are all good things. Here is what I am going to make my mind do...................That Fat Lady is never...EVER...going to sing in my presence. No sirrreee.