Wednesday, December 19, 2007


Yesterday, whilst getting my vitamin drip, a woman in the room who seemed slightly sophisticated and was possibly an agent since she was on her phone during her entire drip and seemed to be talking to clients who were out of work...Anyway, this woman asked me if I was in the FASHION INDUSTRY! Me! The woman who frets about what to wear to her own funeral. And that very morning, as it was raining out, I was in a complete dizzy tizzy about wear to wear on my feet and I ended up wearing these old army kind of boots and a pair of brown corduroys and a green sweater. A stretched out old funky green sweater. And this woman thought I was in fashion. I don't know, maybe she was very ill and couldn't see well. But I had to laugh. Hahaha. And there was a man there with a frightening wig on that seemed to be crooked or maybe it was the style but either way it was not a good fit and then I thought the poor guy had probably lost his hair to chemo and I shouldn't make fun of him but boy did he make the wrong choice in hair styles.

I am trying to get into the holiday mood. But I must admit that the shopping part is fucked. My son wanted to buy a couple of presents so we went...ON A SATURDAY! Were we out of our minds?!...To an outlet land. I am not kidding. This place was miles long and two Saturdays before Christmas it was so crowded that once we pulled into the parking lot, we could not even think of getting out. We were whisked into shopping madness and I thought never to be seen again. I actually think I saw a family trying to find their car and then they seemed to disappear into a mountain that was right behind the lot. I'll bet people die there and are not found for months. So it took us at least a half an hour to find an illegal space. I admit it, I was bad. I was so desperate I pulled into a handicapped space and put a sign on my car that said I had cancer and couldn't walk very far. So parking was bad enough but then we had to shop. And all that Bing Crosby Christmas music just made me want to tear my hair out. And we all know that Bing Crosby was a horrible father and at least one kid committed suicide and there he is singing Silent Night and What Child is This and I wanted to shout, "Bing was an asshole! He wasn't even nice to his own child!" but I don't think anyone would have noticed. Calvin Klein, Ralph Lauren, The Gap, Levis, Occicontine or whatever the name of that soap store is...They were all there. And so were all the people with their packages knocking you this way and that. Will finally got a present and we rushed to find our car and that, of course, is the real nightmare but we did leave a trail so we wouldn't have to wait until everyone else left to find the Prius but then...

We couldn't get out. I think I drove in the same circle seventeen times. And I couldn't find the exit. But the good news was we were NOT listening to Bing and we had snacks in the car and no one was hitting us with the corner of a large box. You have to look for the good things in a situation like this.

You know, I can barely breathe just thinking about that outlet land. Not going there again.

I have made the most exciting discovery of my life. (Okay, I exagerate. But then again, this may be the most exciting discovery. And is that good or is that pathetic? You be the judge...) Yes, I have discovered...CHEESECAKE! I can eat cheesecake. Four bites a night and I am in orgasmic heaven. Not too much sugar. And it's cheese. My new best friend, cheese. I think I am going to die of high cholesterol but that's got to better than dying of cancer. Certainly more satisfying. And I get to eat cheesecake. I get these mini cheesecakes and I carry them around with me for support.

You know what I just did? Of course you don't. I just went into the kitchen and had one bite of my cheesecake. So I have three bites left for the day. Is that too anal? I think that happens when you get sick. The anal thing. You say to yourself, "If I do this then later I can do that." Sort of a reward, sort of a mental illness anal thing. Oh oh...

Now I want more cheesecake. The holidays are making me a bit neurotic. Well, maybe it's not the holidays. I am anxious about the New Year. All the pressure to be fabulous, you know? That change that's coming exactly on January first. But maybe the change has already happened. Maybe the change is cheesecake. I could live with that...............

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