Okay, this past chemo knocked my socks off. Worst one yet. First there was the allergic reaction and then the last few days there was the vomitting and loss of appetite. Not that I had a big appetite to begin with and I knew this was going to happen but I DON'T WANT TO TAKE THIS POISON ANY MORE! I was feeling good. I was swimming. And now yuck yuck yuck I have to deal with this crap again. A set back. A poison set back and it pisses me off. So I took some anti nausea drug perscribed to me by my oncologist and that seemed to work, a bit. But I still felt pretty shitty. I took this liquid that helps with your appetite. But then things seemed to stop working so my oncologist prescribed the next step up in drugs which is something called marinol. It's apparently marijuana without the high. Now I was never a marijuana type of person. Acid I could take but pot did not do it for me. Anyway, I took just one of these tiny little marinol pills and conked out for four and half hours! It was nasty. I woke up like I had been hit on the head. Never taking that stuff again. So I took myself to the medical marijuana pharmacy in Venice. It certainly was a lot spiffier than the head shops I used to know. Fancy place. With an old Hippie dude running it (who else?) and he told me that George Bush Sr. suffered from glaucoma and took medical marijuana and that is why he threw up all over the head of China many years back. He couldn't get a J so he had to take marinol and it just made him sick. So, of course, when this dude told me this story I immediately thought he was insane but I like insane people so I listened to him for a while longer even though I wanted to throw up on him (not because of him, because of the chemo) and decided at the end that I didn't like being tired or high and there is no way you can smoke pot, legal or not, and not get tired and high. Some people get energized. I get sleepy and sad. Not my drug.
Is this the most boring entry you have ever read? I know it's much more interesting to read about me sleeping with DeNiro and believe me I would rather be doing that or even writing about it right now but I feel like SHIT. Though, I exaggerate. I'm a bit better today. In fact, I did a really, really bad thing JUST TO DO IT! I had a few sips of a Coke and a couple potato chips. And, of course, they made me vomit but come on! A girl's got to have some kind of fun.
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY LIFE?! Okay, I need to calm down because honestly I know the end is near, not THE BIG END, no, the last chemo end which will be the Monday after Thanksgiving and then I am through with all the poison and I just have to deal with my new stomach and that seems easy compared to this horrible feeling. It's just that sometimes when I am throwing up I start thinking about the fact that I have to move and get divorced and even though the thought of divorce is rather exciting it is not actually what I would like to be doing once I heal. Fuck him, the man formerly known as my husband. Just fuck him.
Thank you for letting me spew. Once again my acupuncturist, whom I saw on Tuesday, pointed out something to me that I was unaware of. I told him that THAT MAN, the one I lived with for 23 years, was the only human who could make me anxious. And Dr. Mao, who is nothing if not the epitome of calm, said..."Anxious? You mean ANGRY, right? He makes you angry." And I thought about it and I thought that was an interesting point. However, when you have cancer you don't want to be angry because your system just goes haywire. A friend with cancer wouldn't even read the newspaper because he found it too upsetting.
I want to say something about forgiveness...FORGET IT! If anyone does anything bad or hurtful to me or my son I am telling you I am never, ever going to forgive that person! I just saw a sign on a yoga studio...Forgiveness brings peace...FOR FUCKING GET IT! I am in perfect peace NOT forgiving those who have done me wrong...And you know who you are. It feels oh so right not to forgive. I think that's what Dr. Mao was telling me. Eat right, exercise, and hold on to your anger until you take your last breath! That must be an old Chinese proverb in some province somewhere.
Today everyone is annoying me. (Maybe not you. But then again, maybe...) Move, divorce, vomit. I miss working with those great kids. It's a beautiful day out. Strangely warm. I can't wait for the holidays. I can't wait not to bend over a toilet bowl. I can't wait for my first downward dog. I actually love my life. My hands aren't quite so tingly today. I think I'm going to leave my house right now and see what's out there.
I think I'll go down to the beach and scream..............................