Okay, I think at this point in my life I have to admit that I am not confident about anything in particular changing my life. Not traveling the world, not meditating for hours. In fact, in all honesty, why would I want to change my life? It's already been changed drastically by outside forces so for me to think I am anyway in control would be foolish. Oh sure, I can say...Hey, maybe I'll write my blog now...And I'll sit down and I'll write but a Eucolyptus branch could come crashing through my study at any minute so CONTROL OF MY LIFE? Partially, maybe. A little bit. But I feel that there is always a trickster right outside the door rubbing his hands together and waiting with glee to trip me up.
And yet I go on. Yesterday I met another fool on the hill. So I'm in Santa Monica Seafood getting my Omega 3s and the young man behind the counter noticed my tube which I forgot to tuck into my pants. "Is that a feeding tube?" he asked. I nodded. And he told me that his father had a feeding tube and since we had some common ground we talked and turns out that his father had his stomach removed and a couple of other things along with it. But he really enjoyed life after that. "Oh yeah?" And he told me that his dad and his mother (And already I didn't care because his dad had a PARTNER so fuck you I'm not listening anymore.)...
Yes I am. His dad and his mother traveled around the world and had a great time. "Oh Yeah?"
And he said that after the operation his dad felt so good and really enjoyed THE LAST TWO YEARS OF HIS LIFE! "What do you mean, last two years?" "He lived two years after the operation." I wanted to smack my Halibut right in his face. Why do people tell you these things? Did he think I would be happy thinking that...OH BOY I HAVE TWO YEARS TO LIVE! Aren't I the lucky one. I won't even get my Writers Guild Pension by then. And what if I do travel around the world those last two years...ALONE...Is that fun? Does that sound like a good time to you? And what about that woman who wrote that Eat Pray book? Let's just parse that for a moment. (Did I use parse correctly? Is that even a word? Sounds good anyway.)
Okay...EAT...Well, guess what, I can't do that very well. Can't have a glass of wine or a Cosmopolitan and I can only eat a turkey burger the size of a quarter. So forget eat.
Next...PRAY...I don't eat. I don't pray. Although I do say things like, "Can someone please get me out of this traffic! I'll be good from now on!! I promise!" But I don't think that counts.
And lastly...Love...Now that is where her book really falls apart. Couldn't she just have taken a trip to find herself and actually have found HERSELF and nobody else with her? Then I might have thought, "Okay, I can't eat and I don't pray but maybe I could love...MYSELF." And that would be enough. But she had to meet a guy and twenty years older than her at that. Negates everything. Yes sir, I am just going to sit here in this chair and wait for that tree branch to fall right on top of my noggin. Why leave home when disaster is waiting right out the door? Wouldn't you rather be near all your "stuff" when it all happens? My shoes. My lamps. The important things.
Okay, on to more positive thoughts. I think I forgot to mention that I start chemo again on Monday. Whooppeeeee. Just when I was missing the good old days, here they come again. But I only have three more chemos and I timed them so I could eat my little Thanksgiving dinner without having paralyzed thumbs. (See early chemo blogs.) So by the end of the year 2007, which shall be remembered as The Year of Shit, I will be done with all of it and be able to enjoy my LAST TWO YEARS.
Well, that's what that fish boy was implying. You know what, TEN years from now I am going to walk into Santa Monica Seafood and smash that guy over the head with my cane and say, "See, I'm still here you little whippersnapper!" (And the truth is, if I actually use the word whippersnapper, I will deserve to die.)
The Cubs lost. I'm safe for now. But I can still see that trickster out behind the Prius. Don't think I should take that sigh of relief just yet................................................