The Bitch Is Back

Okay, you know when The Roadrunner or Bugs Bunny are being chased and they run and they run until they get to the end of a very high cliff and they keep running until they find themselves with nothing beneath them because suddenly there is no more cliff but they continue running, treading nothing but air...And they hold up a sign that says something like "Goodbye Cruel World" and then they wave bye bye and drop thousands of miles back down to earth? You know that scene? And we laugh and we laugh because we know what's going to happen and the anticipation is so damn funny. Well, I am treading air right now and I can tell you, it is not so funny and it's completely exhausting. I can feel that guy in the black robe from The Seventh Seal following me and I am determined to lead him in a direction other than the end of the cliff but sometimes you get so tired running in circles that you just want to lie down and let the guy in the robe pick you up and get it over with. Because we all know he wins in the end. Embraces every one of us.

But let's look on the bright side, shall we? Maybe the guy in the robe will get distracted and bother someone else for a while. I am sick of it, you hear me? Sicksicksick of feeling sick. Just spent two days in the hospital getting my best friend reinserted and here she is and we just had about two ounces of Gatorade because that is supposed to be good for me...What?!!...But now I have two pains going on at the same time. Not just one...Two. My cancer AND the tube.

But the bright side, the bright side. Must keep aiming towards the bright side. The recovery nurse, a very nice fellow named David, told me all about nursing poor Anna Nichole Smith. I'm trying to come out of the anesthesia and I hear this guy telling me all about Anna Nichole and I think, gee, I died and landed in the tabloid death area? How did that happen? And then I thought maybe they read my blog and saw the Robert DeNiro stuff and temporarily put me there but soon they'll find out it's not much fodder for anything and they'll dump me in the "just plain regular people" area. But then I woke up as I was being wheeled down the hall into the new wing of St. Johns Hospital. Very pretty. One wall in my room was lavender. I like that. And then there was the Cross. The pretty and tasteful Cross of Jesus. Hello Jesus. My name's Trish. I'm a Jew just like you. And I wondered if he had been to the tabloid section of Heaven? Does he know Anna Nichole? And I probably should let the man in the robe take me now if my only shallow thought upon coming out of anesthesia is about a tabloid superstar. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!

So I'm lying in the hospital bed and the doctor says I can have some clear liquids so a sweet but not so bright man brings me a tray and puts it on one of those tables that can just slide across your bed because one side is open and the other side is a curved bar that goes down to the floor and is attached to the wheels. (Take a moment to picture that...) Sweet not so bright man pushes the side with the curved bar into the bed, and of course it won't budge. Over and over he pushes and it just keeps hitting the bed. I smile and try to tell him to turn the table around to the open side and he smiles back at me and keeps shoving the bar into the bed. SLAMSLAMSLAM. He keeps trying and he thinks the table is broken and my stitches are hurting a bit from all this shoving and I'm wondering...Do these things only happen to me? And if so, why? And if not, who are these other people and when can I meet them and I hope not just in the heaven for people who have peculiar things happen to them on a daily basis. So this guy finally gave up and got another table that worked.

And now I am home and it's a minute to minute battle between me and my pain but please people. Do not freak out. It's just pain. I have pills and I have warm clothes and the sun is out and I'm thinking of pouring whiskey down my tube because if I can have Gatorade then why the hell not whiskey. And tomorrow is another day and you've got to know that that gives me absolutely NO HOPE because remember I was counting on 2008 to be a much better year?

A bird just flew by my window and his tweet sounded like a cell phone.

I need to lie down. Somewhere where I can't see the edge of that cliff. Yabba Dabba Doo.............