Ike

How is this for a last testament to a life...The headline for Ike Turner's obit reads...(In big letters, mind you...) ROCK PIONEER WAS KNOWN FOR ABUSING WIFE TINA TURNER. Shoulda controlled yourself, Ike, because you were one talented guy.

I used to go to this funny little place right next to the Los Angeles airport to see The Ike and Tina Turner Review. It said that on the tiny marquees outside. You went into this little nothing place and the lights would go down and come up on a ball of energy and rock and roll and legs and Ikettes and it was amazing. Tina running all over the stage, followed by those girls and Ike on his base and little did I know that Tina wished she could run right off that stage and away from the tall skinny guy in the back who discovered her. I think that club is a strip club now.

I was reading a magazine in a doctor's office and I came upon an add for Louis Vuitton luggage. And I kept looking at the guy in the ad and I knew he looked familiar but I couldn't quite place him. So I looked at the small print at the bottom and it told me that this man was Mikhail Gorbachev! In a Louis Vuitton ad! What? This is what's it's all about, right? You save your country from what Communism had turned into and instead of just speaking around the world and helping other countries out of their messes you sign on to look like a successful gentleman using expensive luggage. Well, I might as well just die right now because that seems insane to me. However, if it makes Gorby happy, more power to him. Or less power, actually.

And speaking of insane...I ran into someone I hadn't seen in quite a while. A year, maybe. And she asked how I was and I hesitated as I usually do then finally told her about cancer. And this woman, who is not a dummy, asked me what type of cancer and I told her and she said, "Isn't that what Steven had?" And she went on and on about Steven and how he had seemed so much better and then he took a turn for the worse and couldn't eat and then, of course, Steven DIED and she talked about his death and how slow and painful and awful it was and wasn't it the same type of cancer that I had? And she didn't even let me answer before she was talking about Steven's funeral and his memorial and I'm just standing there wanting to throw up ON HER and I'm thinking, "Can someone actually be this rude? Does she have any idea what's she's saying to me?" And she just kept talking..."And he looked good, just like you do, and then a minute later he was in the hospital unable to breath or talk..." And I wanted to punch this woman's pretty face but I let her finish and I told her that I did not think I was going to die soon and then....AND THEN... without missing a beat or hearing anything I was saying, she had the nerve to ask me...

"What are you using on your skin?"

What? My skin! (This is me thinking now.) If you think I am going to tell you anything else about me, you are nuts and I am especially not going to tell you any of my beauty secrets because I hope you age instantly and your eyebrows fall out...In a restaurant!

Oh my God. I don't expect people to make me the center of attention when I tell them that I have cancer but can they think for a moment about what one says when one announces that they have cancer or polio or whatever. You say something like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. How are you feeling?" Not..."Oh, wow, you're going to die soon, aren't you? Bummer city. But you look great." From now on I'm just going to tell people I'm fine. "How are you?" "I'm fine. Had a great year. Nothing went wrong. It was perfect. And you?"

I will not be blogging until next Monday or Tuesday. Don't be frightened. I'll be back. Is it Christmas yet? And then there's the New Year when everything wonderful will happen and the world will be completely different. Right?...RIGHT?

Why is there always silence when I raise this question? I'm telling you, I am going to wake up January first and everything bad will seem like a dream. Sort of like the Newhart show. It was all just a bad dream. And I can once again eat chocolate. And have a martini.

Right?...RIGHT?

"I'm fine. Had a great year. And you?"