You're Going To Put That Where?

I'm not much of a TV watcher. I saw the last two seasons of The Sopranos because I watched it with friends and it was a fun event. But mostly I sit down after dinner to empty my mind for a half an hour or so and surf the channels. I have no idea when anything is actually on, except last night's feed of The Daily Show. For some reason I am fascinated by infomercials. And yesterday, I think I saw my all time favorite. There were three people sitting around a table, looking very doctorly and taking calls from very happy men who had used their "product". Tom from Tallahasee, Paul from Peoria, all very, very satisfied customers. What some insane looking guy had invented was something called a Pos-T-Vac. I wasn't quite sure what it was but the syllable "vac" indicated to me that it had something to do with a vacuum. And then Tallahasee Tom and Peoria Paul started talking about how they felt like young men again and were having the time of their lives. Oh, they were happy. And I started sort of imagining just what the Pos-T-Vac might be when they went to a portion of the infomercial that was both frightening and fascinating. What was frightening was the acting. A woman with, I swear, baby powder in her hair to make her look older! was in the kitchen in her nightie talking about how wondeful last night had been. Her husband, wearing an apron and obviously hen-pecked, had a slightly embarrassed smile on face as she talked and talked and the little film cut from breakfast to lunch to dinner and all the while the man wore his apron and cooked as she went on and on and on and on about how fantastic last night had been. "I don't know what we would have done without that Pos-T-Vac you got, Jim." And they showed them hugging in the kitchen (obviously they could not afford another set) and it was all pretty sickening because I tell you, this woman would not stop talking and I thought the guy might actually end up beating her over the head with his Pos-T-Vac and I wouldn't have blamed him. But finally, after they had gotten you all excited about all the possibilities this Pos-T-Vac could bring you and your loved one, they flashed it on the screen. It was horrifying. First, you got a little bottle of (yuck) some kind of lubrication product (yuck again) to put on before you actually started with "the process". The actual product was a rather large plastic tube that you PLUGGED IN and TURNED ON after you had put your...thing...into it and apparently it sucked you into some very large very long...position...and then you, I don't know, you do whatever you want with it. If Osama is watching this infomercial, I can see why he thinks we are all going to hell. Are you kidding me? "Just a minute, honey, I've got to Hoover my thing for a moment but I'll be right with you." Do we not have better things to do with our money? Do I not have better things to do with my time? What if THAT was the last moment of my life? I want that time back!! Poor Paul from Peoria. That has got to make you sore. I think I'm going to get rid of my remote.

Here's a safe bet...I was thinking that I would like to live until the Cubs win the World Series. If they win next year, you Cub fans have me to thank.

Paul from Peoria is going to haunt me for a very long time. He was way too happy. Tonight I'm going to wear black and read Emily Dickinson. It's the only way I can get that Pos-T-Vac out of my mind.