A 4th of July Treat

I slept with Robert DeNiro. I met him at the William Morris Agency. We had the same agent. I slept with him, too. Once. His name was Harry and he wanted to represent me as an actress so on this particular day he wanted me to come in and meet the other agents. Harry had seen me in a play at The Company Theater on Robertson Boulevard in which I had all of my clothes off for most of the second act. Actually, all of the actors had their clothes off. (It was the 60s) But for this meeting at William Morris I thought I should try and look presentable so I got out my sewing machine and I decided to make myself a dress. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to sew but everyone was making their own clothes (it was the 60s) so I went out and bought the simplest pattern I could find. Looked easy. The dress was the size of a washcloth and had only one snap at the back of the neck holding the whole thing together. That I could handle. So I got some nice material and in about one hour I had a dress. And off I went to Beverly Hills.

Harry's office was very dark. He hated overhead lighting so he had this one desk lamp and he told me to sit on the couch over by the lamp and he'd bring the other agents in to meet me. It was so dark I wondered why I'd even bothered to making this dress but I'm sitting there and in walks this skinny New Yorky guy who looked me up and down and didn't say much except, "I like your dress." Cool. So he sits next to me. I had never seen this guy before, never heard of him, but when these agents came in, supposedly to meet me, all they really wanted to do was to talk to this skinny guy. Which was actually lucky because the one snap that was holding my dress together was coming loose and I had to sit with my hand on the back of my neck holding my dress together while I smiled politely at these agents who could care less who I was. I watched them tell the skinny guy what a big star he was going to be and then they'd look over at me, almost as an afterthought, and become only slightly interested when Harry told them I took all my clothes off in a play. Now the skinny was very interested in me taking my clothes off. In fact, after the meeting he waited for me in the parking lot. Which was awkward because by now the snap was completely gone and I had a stick shift and I had not idea how I was going to drive and keep my dress on. But this guy, who told me his name was "Bob", waited for me and being a man of few words said, "You busy?" And I said, innocently, "Ahhhh, no." And he asked me to follow him.

Okay, so I had to figure out how to work the steering wheel and the stick shift at the same time without my losing my dignity. I looked around in the car for a pin. Any kind of pin. A paper clip. Scotch tape. I found nothing. New Yorky Bob was pulling out of the lot and I had to follow him so I let go of my dress and drove down Wilshire Boulevard topless. I saw him looking at me in his rear view and I could tell he could not believe what good fortune he had to meet me. Between driving topless and being naked in a play I could also tell that he was not going to take me seriously as an actress. But I was serious. I had just chosen the wrong pattern.

THAT'S IT. Back to the here and now. Happy 4th. Plug your dog's ears. And remember why we celebrate the 4th. To free Scooter!