A PLAY IN TWO THIRDS OF AN ACT
ALEX: Psssssst. Hey Isadore. I think we'd better bust this joint.
ISADORE: Shhhhhh. I'm busy here.
ALEX: No, listen to me. We are not long for this world if we stay here. I got a bad feeling about this house.
ISADORE: Oh man. Can't you just relax for one hour, 'fraidy rat? Me and Allison here are watchin' Jon Stewart and Colbert, for God's sake? Best things on the tube since Beevis and Butthead went off the air.
ALEX: You ever see Rachael Maddow? Now that broad is hot.
ISADORE: Hey, She's a lesbo, man.
ALEX: Cannot be.
ISADORE: She is. And she's out. Says it all over the papers. The New York Times, no less.
ALEX: Told you not to read the New York Times. It's trash. Left wing balderdash.
ISADORE: What the hell does that mean?
ALEX: How many times have I told you that maybe you should occasionally pick up a dictionary, bonehead?
ISADORE: Are you crazy? I can't even drag one of those refrigerators off the shelf. They weigh a ton. And they call that a book? And will you please just shut your trap 'cause I'm watchin' some high class entertainment here.
ALEX: Nope. Not Rachael Maddow. Not a hot one like that. Just cannot be.
ALLISON: Hey, Izzy, Alex, could the two of you possibly shut your pie holes up for once? Is that like possible?
ALEX: Oh, now there's some nice lady like talk. I think Allison here has just outed herself.
ISADORE: Come to think of it, when was the last time you were on a date, Ms. Allison with the biggest hooters on the planet.
ALLISON: Very funny, Mr. Isadore, with the smallest...
ISADORE: SHUT UP MS. DEBBIE DOES DALLAS. JUST SHUT IT UP NOW, YOU HEAR?
ALEX: Shhhhhh. You Dumbos are gonna wake Trish and that is just what we do not need right now.
ISADORE: You kiddin'? Those pills she takes can knock her out for a week. You ever see how many pills that chick can take? She's got a virtual pharmacy in her bathroom.
ALEX: Could you guys listen to me for one second here, please? This gal is onto to us. Hear that? ON TO US! By election day we are all dead rats, thrown into the garbage with all the rest of the phony ballots, trust me.
ISADORE: Nah. Impossible. This here is a peace and love chick. Haven't you seen the peace signs all over her house? Everywhere. They are everywhere, man. Like it's 1965 or something. Sickening. Like she's Janis Joplin only with no hair. Plus she's for Obama and Biden plus she's got Buddhas all over the front yard and the back and I'm tellin' you this gal is not killin' a creature on this planet. Not even an ant. One of those kind.
ALEX: Oh yeah? Well what and who did I see whilst you two were sleeping all cozy in her cookie drawer last week? Huh? Huh?!
ALEX: Oh wow, we sure left a lot of droppins' in that drawer, didn't we Allison?
ALLISON: Thousands, huh Isadore?
ISADORE: More like millions! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ALEX: Okay, so you guys laugh while Rome is burning, which I have no idea what that means but let me show you something.
ISADORE: Before Colbert is over?
ALEX: Yes, before Colbert is over if you know what's good for you. Follow me.
ALLISON AND ISADORE FOLLOW ALEX INTO THE KITCHEN.
ALEX: You two ever been in THIS drawer before?
ISADORE: I was goin' in tomorrow.
ALEX: Well, I suggest you take a look right now or there may not be a tomorrow!
ALLISON: You are so dramatic, Alex. So dramatic.
ALEX OPENS THE DRAWER AND ALLISON AND ISADORE ENTER. AFTER A MOMENT.....
(FROM INSIDE THE DRAWER.) "Yikes! Traps!
THEY BOTH RUN OUT AND SLAM THE DRAWER BEHIND THEM. ALLISON SLINKS SLOWLY DOWN TO THE LINOLEUM WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER CHEEKS.
ALLISON: I can't believe it. Why would she do this to us? She loves peace and she loves love. Plus I like her house soooooo much. Did you see her moisturizers? And serums? They are heaven in a bottle. She has everything a girl could want. And she can't share? Why would she do this to innocent little..."
ALEX: Rats. We're rats Allison. Look at us. You'd need an ocean of moisturizer to look presentable to the human race.
ALLISON: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I knew it. They hate me. The entire human race hates me. Because I'm ugly. And rough. Once, just once couldn't somebody, anybody...exfoliate me? Oh, the life of a rat is such a sad and lonely road, isn't it Isadore?
ISADORE: Can I please just finish watching Colbert?"
ALEX: Gather your things and let's get out before dawn."
ALLISON: We have no things.
ISADORE: Maybe this Trish gal will come back as a rat and then she'll see how tough life can really be.
ALLISON: I'm ugly, aren't I? Just plain ugly. Viggo Mortenson would never give me a second look. Never.
ALEX: Aw Allison. You are the most beautiful rat I ever encountered.
ALEX AND ISADORE: Sure. Absolutely. Rat extraordinaire.
ALEX: Look at that long completely creepy tail. Gotta love it.
THE THREE OF THEM HEAD OUT THROUGH A SCREEN THEN TURN BACK TO LOOK AT THE HOUSE ONE MORE TIME.
ISADORE: With a great TV.
ALEX: Hey, you know where we're never been? Mar Vista.
ISADORE: I hear they got big houses there. And it's right near Costco. Where they get those gigantic sacks of food. And I'm talkin' gigantic.
ALEX: And they got triple sized jars of lotion, Allison.
ALLISON: Really? Loads and loads of lotion? Well then, it's On to Mar Vista for me!
ALLISON, ALEX AND ISADORE: Weeeeeee're off to see Mar Vista
The prettiest city on earth.
Because, because, because, because...................................
AND FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE...
TRISH: Did I just hear singing? Oh my God, these pills are driving me crazy.
SHE PICKS UP HER PHONE AND DIALS.
TRISH: Hi, it's me...Hey, could you please give me a ride to Costco tomorrow? I don't know, just had a feeling I'd like to go. Get some giant bags of something................................