Saturday, September 6, 2008

My Mother Thanks You, My Father Thanks You and I...

Those, by the way, are the words of George M. Cohan or James Cagney, however you want to imagine it. But I would like thank all you kind people out there who took time to search around for some sort of Japanese connection in case my only choice was the clinical trial in Japan. I have my fingers crossed and any other good luck motion I can think of that the UCLA trial works, even just a teeny weeny bit and I won't have to use all the Japanese information you have sent me but I know it's there if I need it and that is comforting and also so cool that you would do that for me. Thank you.

I think the actual taking of the pill starts in two weeks. There are a bunch of possible side effects, most of which do not happen. But the two that seem to occur over and over are high blood pressure and serious fatigue. Why can't side effects ever be good? Or fun. Like you have bursts of energy and you can jog for miles and you're ecstatically happy all day and incredibly creative. They can't come up with a pill that does that? Why does the pill always have to ruin your liver or blur your vision? Or make your blood pressure go up so you have to take ANOTHER pill to bring it down. I am a living pharmacy here with all the pills I have in my bathroom. And all I used to take were vitamins to help me live forever. Oh, the irony of it all.

I was thinking about the term, "fighting for your life". I think that's what I'm supposed to be doing. But I don't feel like I'm fighting enough. In fact, I don't feel like I'm fighting at all. I guess you could say that just getting up in the morning is a little fight since most mornings I feel so gloomy and slightly afraid to face the day but then I do it...I get out of bed and I get dressed and get my exercise and I carry on as if...As if all is well and is going to be well. But I don't know. I don't know what is going to happen. And there are those of you that are thinking that no one knows what's going to happen, you could have been in the twin towers in 2001 and you certainly would not have seen that coming. I think the problem with my situation is that I am face to face with a fifty/fifty situation and it is impossible to ignore that one half of the outcome is REALLY HORRIBLE. I mean, we all know what's coming at the end of this life but it's somehow different when you're just going along. Like you go along naturally and you get older and then you're sixty and then seventy and you keep going and you know it won't last forever but somewhere in your mind you sort of feel maybe it WILL last forever because you feel good and your doctor checkups are all positive so why shouldn't you just go on like this ad infinitum? (Did I just say what I meant to say? Sounds good anyway.) So I have decided that I have to actually FIGHT for my life and I'm not sure what that entails but I'm going to figure it out and put on my gloves and my thinking cap and do everything I can think of to keep the enemy at bay.

But what if I get fatigued? See, that's where they've got you. They can get you tired so you can't fight. That's one of their clever weapons. Except maybe with your mind. Yeah. Who says we're talking about actually throwing punches. Maybe it IS just mind over matter. I have been told by many that that works. Hey, at this point I am open to everything. Dream it away, that's what I'll do. Or just dream happy and not let it's nasty little negativity penetrate my soul. Like it does now...Sometimes.

Okay, it's a battle between me and him. (Can't possibly be a her. Of course watching the Republican nominee for vice president maybe a her is not so far fetched. And I apologize to all my Republican friends but I've got to tell you that your gun toting hockey mom vice president is pretty darn scary.)

So I'm going to rest now and I'm going to fight. It's a Ghandi sort of thing. Passive resistence. A moment of silence for the enemy.

And just watch him disappear...................................

5 comments:

Ellen said...

Trish, maybe the best way you can "fight" is to keep resting, meditating with images of the cancer cells retreating and shrinking, don't eat sugar (cancer loves sugar) and call someone every morning before you get out of bed! I'm sure there's not one person reading this who wouldn't be glad to connect with you in the morning, or whenever you get out of bed, to let you know you're part of the world, they're thinking of you, and wish you well. There's something about depression and fear that feels so isolated. Maybe this would help. I don't know. I admit that I only know secondhand how terrifying that 50/50 feels. But having endured depression before, I know how terrifying that waking up in the morning is. You are clearly amazing in your willingness to get up and get going each day. You can certainly call me EVERY day if you'd like. And, yes, that gun-toting dragon lady is frightening. The Rep's pulled a trick out of a hat that is the perfect thing to appeal to this American Idol mentality country. God help us all.

Anne said...

1. Clinical trial in Japan -- hmm, seems like it would be a nice vacation - but who wants to be there to deal with the side effects out of the comfort (and friends) of your own home?

2. UCLA - yep, close to home, blogging, phones and friends....God is taking care of you and watching out for you - close to home.

3. Side effects -- EVERYTHING in life has side effects. Even Loving another has certain side effects (too many to mention but disease and children being 2 of them!! Loving and losing, etc.). High blood pressure and fatigue also have meds to deal with them. Meditation and yoga are nice to know and use for that. Many of us MSers deal with overwhelming fatigue every day of our life and some take Provigil to thwart off the fatigue. It works, causes increases in appetite too. Might be worth asking your doc about it.

4. With my MS, I have to occasionally have 6 days of IV in for Solumedrol Drip - which (while on it) causes 6 days of insomnia and overwhelming burts of energy. I have the cleanest house on the block and I have the most organized filing system!! LOL I use the energy while I have it because I know as soon as the IV is over within 3 days the fatigue is back but the MS symptoms are gone.

5. I take 42 pills now in the AM and another 30 before dinner. If I have to take another pill, what's one more. I'd rather take it and know it is taking care of a side effect than me physically dealing with the side effect. Ah, most times that is!

6. "Fighting for your life" IS WHAT YOU ARE DOING. There is no pat formula for the "fighting" part - but YOU ARE!!!

*****You wrote: " I don't know what is going to happen. And there are those of you that are thinking that no one knows what's going to happen, you could have been in the twin towers in 2001 and you certainly would not have seen that coming."

7. None of us know what is going to happen. If we did, we'd be making tons of money selling our tips to the dealers and shakers who shape our worlds. Well, you weren't in the twin towers on 9/11. And you didn't see your cancer coming any more than they saw 9/11 coming.

8. I thank God your doc checkups are as positive as they are and that you qualified for this trial and pray that it works. It is also my prayer that after it is all said and done and over, that the enemy resorts down to his throne and stays there indefinitely.

I'm glad you are in such good spirits. You sound great. Keep on keeping on.
Love,Anne

SouthernDaze said...

I'm pulling for you to win this fight, Trish. And, I'm keeping you in my prayers.

Fists up, friend!
Vicki

Sister Mary Martha said...

I think there is a pill you can take that makes you full and energy and feel like you can run a mile or do anything else you think of....

wait...it's not a pill. It's cocaine.

Oh well.

Every day when you wake up, the sun is in the sky, even if it's behind a cloud. It's still here shining and so are you. Start your day just thinking of that.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

I don't know what happened to the BRILLIANT Comment I was leaving...it just fucking disappeared like "POOF", before I was finished writing it!

It was probably boring anyway...BUT....I was talking about "imaging" and also the Ghandi beliefs....All Good Things. And that I do think Imaging is a really positive way of Fighting what you have to fight. Plus, of course, this Trial that you will be beginning shortly.

And then....I went to how truly frightening Sarah Palin is and how she not only doesn't speak for me, I cannot believe that she, or any woman would be so against abortion to say even in the case of Rape and Incest....Help Us All!
ADD IN Shooting Animals from Planes, Creationism, and a myriad of other horrendous things and I feel as if I am living in an Alternative Universe....And about Abstinence....too bad that didn't work with her daughter...!
To me, the worst part of the way the Republicans present their case---(And I'm not even talking about the lies they perpatrate...) is how the Party Line is "My Way And No Other Way" It's fine if none of them believe in Abortion...just don't foist that on me! Or Creationism...! OY, OY, Oy!!!!

Love you Trish and sending you Big Hugs, my dear...(((((((HUGS)))))))