So I had chemo yesterday. Three to go, so they tell me. It seems to get harder as they go along. I get sicker and out of sorts more easily. Sadder. I keep telling myself that it's the drugs that are making me sad. Reminding myself that it is only that and I shouldn't jump out of my one story window just yet. That I will get through this and come out in one piece with a new figure and some new clothes and life will be fun and fine and I'll be busy doing what I love to do which is teach and write and swim and talk to Will and EAT and drink and be merry, whomever she is. But I'm shaky right now and wish there was at least one pill I was taking that was a feel good pill but I think all I am taking are downers or become downers the more you take them. Tomorrow is the forth of July and I usually love that holiday because I'm in Carpinteria and I swim and watch the ocean and then at night go to Montecito and sit on the shore and watch the Santa Barbara fireworks. But tomorrow I will be at home trying not to feel sorry for myself and I will watch fireworks on TV and take a walk and that's not so bad.
Yesterday at chemo I was sitting across from two older women wearing very plain clothes and very plain black shoes that tied up. One of the women had very tiny feet. The nurses called her sister. She was on her last chemo for the moment. They were both reading very dusty books that looked like they came from the library. And they were wearing wedding rings. And I realized they were married to God and that they were nuns. And they seemed very happy. Is it too late to become a Jewish nun? Or start a Jewish nun sect where we can all wear plain black shoes and be happy and not think about moisturizer. See, these nuns were very wrinkled. I wanted to suggest some Oil of Olay but it seemed inappropriate and besides, they were happy, wrinkles and all. They did not care about aging because the older you get the closer you get to God for them and that must be so comforting. Cancer just brings you closer to God. If you're a nun. I'm glad I got to watch them.
I sure did not think this is where I'd be on July 3rd 2008. Sitting on my couch feeling slightly sorry for myself but I'm going to try and concentrate on July 3rd 2009. That should be a good year. Maybe I'll have hair by then. And a life. And hot dogs galore.
Maybe I'll have little black shoes and wrinkles and it will all make sense. It's beautiful out. Maybe I'll just step outside and enjoy............................................