Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Gouda Things are Happening

I lied. I fibbed. I embellished the situation to enhance the story. I said that the hunchbacked woman in the respiratory doctor's office had a purse full of strong cheese.

Wrong. That would be me. She did have something in her bag that had a vile smell but I have to admit that I am the one that now carries cheese in her purse. In case I get hungry. It is not, however, what I would call stinky cheese. It's Havarti or Swiss and sometimes Muenster. I would say it only gets stinky if I forget that I put it there and I don't remember until a couple days later and I pull out my ATM card and it smells like a mild Gouda. And here's the odd thing. Before my operation, I never ate cheese. I don't know, maybe I have a stomach the size of a mouse. But I wake up and all I want is cheese. And then sometimes I get all caught up on what kind I should have. I stand there with the fridge door wide open and stare at the cheese bin for way too long and realize that my life has taken a very peculiar turn. I used to have a fridge full of food that I would fix for my family's dinner. I told you that I didn't really learn how to cook until I was around forty and I got some things down pat. Salmon, pasta, turkey meatloaf. The basics. And I would light candles every night and we would eat at the kitchen table and I think dinner was pretty good because everyone ate it and now my fridge is pretty much just full of cheese. How did this happen?

But you know what...I'm feeling a bit better and I'm thinking I should kind of move beyond cheese. I am taking that as a good sign. That maybe, just maybe, I'm moving on to THE NEXT STAGE!

I'm very excited about something I'm going to do today and I think I'm actually a little too excited but, hey, it's at least something new and it has the POSSIBILITY of making me feel real good. And that would be a change. Something to actually make me feel good. I can almost not imagine. But here it is...Today's feel good possibility...I am going to get a two hour IV drip of...

VITAMINS! Doesn't that sound just fab/gear? But I'm thinking maybe it will give me that boost I need. And even though it involves a needle, I am so excited!

Oh, this is pathetic, isn't it? I used to get excited if I got a part in a TV show or if I got a job writing for something and I'd get excited if my son had a great day at school and now I'm excited about vitamins. I'm really trying to explore my inner self and just appreciate what my little lump of flesh is all about but there is this part in the back of my brain that keeps wanting, above all else, for Oprah to choose my book that isn't even written. Would that make me as excited as taking vitamins?

I went to a meditation group Sunday night. To try and calm down and get to that "inner self". See, this healing process is not an easy thing for someone who is used to running around and doing things and having every minute planned. So I tend to drive myself crazy and I really felt that evening that I needed to calm down in some way so I went to this group. Really sweet people. No bullshit. No guru leader who followers are in love with. Just a nice quiet room and people meditating. I actually sat for forty five minutes, with about five minutes of walking meditation. My eyes were closed, and I sat in a comfortable position and nothing moved except MY BRAIN. My brain was going crazy..."What should I eat for dinner? I've got to work on my novel. I think my foot's asleep. I hate him. He's an asshole. I've got to work on my novel. Wonder what Will is doing. Should I get my hair colored before Thanksgiving? Do I have anymore of that cheese dip at home? Got to work on that novel. Dare I eat a potato chip? I've got to change my sheets..."

And on and on my thoughts went so by the end of the meditation I was exhausted. Everyone else was calm and their eyes were sort of glazed over and I was a nervous wreck. I felt worse than when I got there. I think I'm doing something wrong. Oh my God, I think my entire life is just one big mistake.

But these vitamins are going to change everything. Right? Where am I? Who am I? What the hell happened? Gouda. I need some Gouda. Yes. That is what I need. Gouda will fix everything.

See, I am getting better. You'd tell me the truth, right? I don't seem...strange to you in anyway, do I? If you could just hand me my purse.........................

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