Ms. Van Winkle

I don't know what you've been up to for the last ten days or so but if there is such a thing as a "beauty sleep" then I should be nominated for top super model of the year right now. With as much sleep as I've had in the last couple of weeks I should be gorgeous. Unfortunately, not happening. But this pain I have been having which I have not been able to get rid of until just about yesterday has been so unbearable that all I could do for quite some time was sleep. A dreamless sleep. Just a heavy zonked out "get this horrific pain to go away or I'm going to jump out my bedroom window even though it's at ground level and all that would happen is that I would scrape my knee or get an ugly gash over my eye which would look just so lovely with this fucking CryptKeeper hairdo that I seem to have" type of sleep. Which reminds me that my wig friend called and said my wig is ready and he says it's beautiful but I have been feeling so badly that I haven't been able to get over there. Maybe this week. But I like wearing my Cubs cap..

So I had a scan on Wednesday and that told me that something is very inflamed, like my esophagus and on Monday they'll put me to sleep and stick a camera down my throat and then they'll be able to tell me more about my pain which actually I do not think is cancer pain. I think it's throwing up pain, lack of stomach pain. Still haven't eaten since February. But I'm thinking about it more and that's a good thing. Guess what I want? A hot dog.

Some days to pass the time I look through catalogues and dog ear the pages of things I would order if I had endless amounts of funny money...Although no one should have endless amounts of "funny" money because it's not funny when some people don't have any money and others can buy useless items with their extra thousands just because they're bored. Shouldn't there be a catalogue with the addresses of people who could use some money and the ones with the catalogues could send THEM the money instead of sending money to Eddie Bauer or Victoria and her not so secret Secret?

Anyway, I dog ear all of these pages and throw the catalogues into the garbage, wasting paper as well as time. But a couple of weeks ago I actually ordered something. My alarm clock has been broken for sometime now and there was this pretty yellow old fashioned Sunbeam alarm clock with glow in the dark hands that looked so cute and was very cheap and I thought it was just the clock I'd been waiting for. It arrived today. Guess I didn't read the fine print. But this clock was only twenty dollars so how big could it be? Right? A nice little yellow alarm clock to put on your night table. Well, THIS CLOCK IS HUGE. A veritable Big Ben. I'm not kidding. You could put this thing on top of a ten story building and you'd still be able to read the glow in the dark hands. The thing is like an entire mantle piece. I have no idea what to do with it. And the alarm. I would not die from cancer with this alarm, I would die from a heart attack when that GONG went off. Like a guy next to your head holding a mallet about to hit one of those gongs like at the end of an old English movie.

So now I have to wrap it all up and mail it back to where it came from and when they ask me why I'm returning the item I am going to say, "Because this clock could kill me." I might pull the cancer card because I want my twenty dollars back and when I get it I'm going to go straight down to the Promenade and give that twenty to the first homeless person I see and then I'm going to come back home and toss every dog earred catalogue I have and cancel the rest and try and be useful in these long hours of healing, which is what I should have been doing in the first place.

Anyway, I'm fine. Thanks for asking. And you?...............................................