Yes, I do feel at times like I'm on the Hindenburg or the Titanic or some spectacular vessel that is about to go down. But I will try not to panic just yet and I still have a bit of hope that I'll be able to spot the iceberg before it slams me in the guts...
BUT
The cancer is back. No, I can't fucking believe it either. Back just where it was before. And here is the news that no girl with any dignity likes to hear...I'm going to be BALD! Going to lose my hair this time. And how's this for irony...I had a hair appointment for tomorrow for some highlights. Guess I'll be cancelling that one. Unless we can think of a creative way to highlight my scalp.
I think the thing to do it to think positively and to try and make some sense out of all of this. Look on the bright side. Because there is always a bright side somewhere, don't you think?
NO FUCKING WAY! THIS JUST PLAIN SUCKS. How come Diablo Cody gets to have a great life? How come assholes all over the world are laughing and having a wonderful time and swimming and buying new shoes and eating delicious meals and having martinis and making love and spooning and watching plays and
HOWCOMEHOWCOMEHOWCOME?
Just because, that's why. Nothing makes sense. It's all random. Oh, I could read that Buddhist Nun's books where you breath and you accept and you commune with nature and find something deep inside of yourself that centers you and makes you feel a part of the whole but
I AM PISSED OFF BEYOND BELIEF and I don't think this is fair and I hate certain people and I'm not sure about god right now and what the hell that means. But here's the thing...I am not afraid to die. I just hate the pain one has to go through to deal with all of this stuff. And if I didn't have a fabulous son I might run down to the beach right now and take off all of my clothes and jump into the water and swim out until I was eaten by a shark. (Eeewwww, what a horrible way to go.) But anyway, there is a reason to be here so I'm going to do the damn chemo again and lose my hair and look like a pinhead and oh, by the way, I'm going to get that feeding tube put back in again. Bald with a feeding tube. Oh, I can just imagine the guy I'm going to meet with that look. Maybe a blind guy.
So that's my cheery news of the day. And how are you?
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9 comments:
Oh no! Blaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!
I love your writing! Even when you're going through hell, dealing with the aftermath of hell, or looking a whole new hell in the face.
You are mighty! We can't ever pick what we get or what we have to go through, but you manage to go through it with STYLE. That counts for a whole lot, in my book.
In fact I kind of think that's ALL that counts.
I am so sorry your cancer is back. You are one tough lady. You are not lost in self-pity but are angry. Angry or not, you are going to endure the chemo even though, this time, you know exactly how it will play out. I will think of you often and hope whatever gods may be are kind.
They say the difference between fiction and non-fiction is that fiction is suppose to make sense. And currently, life and your life in particular...makes no sense. I'm so sorry to hear of your news. It stunned me. So I can only imagine your reactions. I hope you have someone with you to support you as you are going through this challenge...As for your hair...I remember a past blog where you had zero tolerance for Javier Bardem's hair in No Country...Now I know why. Given that all the men in your life are referred to by their function,i.e."the man formerly known as...", "The hot dog man", etc, rather than traditional monikers, I would hereby like to be referred to as "the ghost of boyfriend past." I recently saw a picture of you in your freshman year of high school...You had the identical 'do' as Javier. So, it is no mystery why you had such a severe reaction. Talk about being fashion forward. The man stole your 'look'...Again, I am holding a good thought for you and would love to connect with you if you are up to it.
"The Ghost of Boyfriend Past"
well trish
welcome back to the juggernaut, extreme edition.
ah christ--
thinking of you thru our oddysey and ours
the sun is shining today for some odd reason. i suppose we could start there.
muchlove and cojones to you
susan and tony
I'm so sorry. You can do it, though. You've got the right attitude and you can beat this.
Buddah Trish,
When I was at my lowest you gave me a little Jack Kornfield book. The thought of him came to me thinking of you right now.
Found this quote-
“If grief or anger arises,
Let there be grief or anger.
This is the Buddha in all forms,
Sun Buddha, Moon Buddha, Happy Buddha, Sad Buddha.
It is the universe offering all things to awaken and open our heart.”
Jack Kornfield
Your wisdom and courage will see the way-with style.
xxx
Oh Trish, I'm so sorry to read that your cancer is back. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I love your sense of humor and I hope it helps you along during this time. Blog often - you have a great talent for it.
Take care,
Anne
Horrible, horrible unfair and horrible news!! I can't even imagine what it's been like for you, the ups and downs, the doctors and all. I just know that if attitude plays a part in your recovery, you'll ace this thing.
Don't even think about swimming out to the sharks. There's too much hope and prayers going your way, and you never know what tomorrow will bring.
Don't lose hope!
Hugs...
Scarlet
Trish, my dear pal.....THIS really really Sucks, Big-Time! Damn The F**king Torpedo's....! I just listened to your message, my dear...(Yes,. I know, it's almost 3:30am....this was my night in "the room"....which, by the way, is available to you if you would like to partake.....) And I had not been here to read this till this very second...OY OY OY...I don't blame you for being pissed as hell!
My dear....I will call you later today, after I get a bit of sleep....Hang in there, my dear...!
And please do not 'swim with the fishes', quite yet...We all need you here, right now and for a very long time to cokme.....They will get this bugger this time, for sure!
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