Well... in spite of the fact that Trish claimed she didn't want to have a "big deal" made on her account ... we're planning a "little deal" in a BIG space.
There will be a memorial celebration for Trish on:
Sunday, February 22, at 11:00 a.m.
Yes, that IS Acadamy Awards day... and since Trish loved to watch the Awards we thought it was an appropriate day... and at a time that would let people get back to their "place of choice" in time for the red carpet interviews.
(For the past many years Trish got together with a group of "like-minded" women to watch the awards. I always wanted to go, and even suggested I could disguise myself as a woman ... but it was not to be. In remains a mysterious event in my mind. I don't know what they get up to there, but I know it has to be funny).
ANYWAY.... that's Sunday, February 22, at 11:00 a.m.
AT:
Park Century School
3939 Landmark Street
Culver City, CA 90232
The school is located on Landmark Street, just south of Washington Blvd. and one block west of National. (This is very near the intersection of Venice Blvd. and Robertson to give you a general location). There are two small parking lots for the school, but ample street parking in the neighborhood on a Sunday morning.
Park Century was the school that Trish taught at for the Virginia Avenue Project ... they just moved last year to this beautiful new building, which they kindly offered for the celebration. I think it's an appropriate and meaningful venue.
The "official" part of the program is still be locked in, but mostly it will be a day to see old friends, meet new ones, and laugh together remembering one of the best and funniest people we knew.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
The news we never wanted ...
Andy Parks here again, with the news we all never wanted to hear. Trish Soodik died on Thursday, January 8, 2009, shortly before noon.
The cancer she had fought against so bravely had become overwhelming. However, she was her beautiful, spirited, and positive self to the very end.
She passed away with relatively little discomfort, surrounded by family and friends, with her loving son Will always at her side.
The family will gather for a private ceremony, and many of us want to have a memorial celebration of her life sometime in the future. Trish often expressed she didn't want a big fuss made over her ... but I don't think she'd mind if we did a little something in her honor.
And if you out there want to honor Trish, go forward, joyously, with your life. See it's delights. Laugh at it's ironies. Listen. Don't get bogged down in self-pity. And most of all, be a good and loving friend.
There will be more to say in the coming days, so the blog will be kept open for a while. In the meantime .... run out and find something to take delight in.
The cancer she had fought against so bravely had become overwhelming. However, she was her beautiful, spirited, and positive self to the very end.
She passed away with relatively little discomfort, surrounded by family and friends, with her loving son Will always at her side.
The family will gather for a private ceremony, and many of us want to have a memorial celebration of her life sometime in the future. Trish often expressed she didn't want a big fuss made over her ... but I don't think she'd mind if we did a little something in her honor.
And if you out there want to honor Trish, go forward, joyously, with your life. See it's delights. Laugh at it's ironies. Listen. Don't get bogged down in self-pity. And most of all, be a good and loving friend.
There will be more to say in the coming days, so the blog will be kept open for a while. In the meantime .... run out and find something to take delight in.
Friday, December 12, 2008
I Hear A Frog
Okay, I don't even know where to begin. Hmmmm, I think I'll begin...right...
HERE. I have finished my radiation and I believe I glow in the dark now just in time for the holidays. It was not bad except for the fatigue that follows and then I got this lump on my neck which appears to be a lymph node and the possibly good news IF THERE IS SUCH A THING, is that it seems to have gone down quite a bit since it first appeared and it may have been the reason my right arm wasn't working and the reason for it's appearance may be the horribly unattractive entrance to my feeding tube. As you may recall, the tube caught on a chair a few months ago and popped out and ever since then it has just been a pain in the tube and is always red and yucky but no one wanted to do anything until I finished the CLINICAL TRIAL (THUMBS DOWN ON THAT ONE) and immediately after that I went into the hospital and then onto radiation so they couldn't mess with the tube until RADIATION was complete. So now it's done and Monday morning my tube is going to be adjusted either by surgery or just sticking another tube into the hole and yuck and you have no idea how tired I am talking about tubes and holes and not in any form of sexual reference. Ah, I remember the good ole days of happy tubes and holes. Not painful tubes and holes.
So I am recouping from radiation and I learned from my friend Carol that my very handsome and charming radiologist, Dr. Song, is married to a famous journalist who used to be on The View and I think her name might be Lisa Ling and she and Dr. Song were on the View last week and Carol saw them and confirmed that I was NOT light headed and yes, Dr. Song, IS a very handsome man. I want to kiss him. I think I will in my dreams. Tubes and holes.
Speaking of kisses...There is a very loud frog outside my window and I have started to think that maybe he is that prince and he's just waiting for me to let him in so I can give him that big slimey kiss that transforms him into Prince Freddy or someone with a good sense of humor and a Prius. But if I open the screen to let him in at night then it also gives a signal to the mice and I do not want to kiss any of those guys even though they are awfully cute but they poop just about everywhere when allowed in and I don't know much about frog poop but if I kiss Mr. Toad right away maybe I could catch him as a prince and I have never heard about any Princely pooping problems.
Oh my God, do you think I am loosing my mind? Is it the season? Deck the halls and all that. Kiss the frog. Kiss Dr. Song. I did have a full body scan this morning and was injected with more radioactive stuff and some of it must have gone to my brain so I take no responsibility for what I am saying. Or thinking.
I have to buy some presents. I'm late. For a very important date. Did I ever mention that I was cast once as the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland because I fit into the costume? Actually, it was Alice in UNDERLAND and it was a Seven-Up commercial, THE UNCOLA, and I went up for the part of Alice (I had long blonde hair, after all) but I happened to fit into the rabbit suit and oh they were so happy to have an actress who even fit into the damn rabbit feet shoes. I was so humiliated wearing that giant rabbit head that I wouldn't take it off all day, even for lunch. They would fork sloppy joes into my big rabbit mouth. And no one ever knew what I really looked like. I just sat in that costume all day, crying, wondering why I wasn't Alice. My entire childhood flashed before me as I watched through the rabbit hole eyes the entire crew flirt with Alice and I sat on the sidelines, legs crossed and sloppy joe dripping down my whiskers.
Good residuals, though.
So Monday they fix my tube.
And maybe that frog will be there.
I am so ready.
HERE. I have finished my radiation and I believe I glow in the dark now just in time for the holidays. It was not bad except for the fatigue that follows and then I got this lump on my neck which appears to be a lymph node and the possibly good news IF THERE IS SUCH A THING, is that it seems to have gone down quite a bit since it first appeared and it may have been the reason my right arm wasn't working and the reason for it's appearance may be the horribly unattractive entrance to my feeding tube. As you may recall, the tube caught on a chair a few months ago and popped out and ever since then it has just been a pain in the tube and is always red and yucky but no one wanted to do anything until I finished the CLINICAL TRIAL (THUMBS DOWN ON THAT ONE) and immediately after that I went into the hospital and then onto radiation so they couldn't mess with the tube until RADIATION was complete. So now it's done and Monday morning my tube is going to be adjusted either by surgery or just sticking another tube into the hole and yuck and you have no idea how tired I am talking about tubes and holes and not in any form of sexual reference. Ah, I remember the good ole days of happy tubes and holes. Not painful tubes and holes.
So I am recouping from radiation and I learned from my friend Carol that my very handsome and charming radiologist, Dr. Song, is married to a famous journalist who used to be on The View and I think her name might be Lisa Ling and she and Dr. Song were on the View last week and Carol saw them and confirmed that I was NOT light headed and yes, Dr. Song, IS a very handsome man. I want to kiss him. I think I will in my dreams. Tubes and holes.
Speaking of kisses...There is a very loud frog outside my window and I have started to think that maybe he is that prince and he's just waiting for me to let him in so I can give him that big slimey kiss that transforms him into Prince Freddy or someone with a good sense of humor and a Prius. But if I open the screen to let him in at night then it also gives a signal to the mice and I do not want to kiss any of those guys even though they are awfully cute but they poop just about everywhere when allowed in and I don't know much about frog poop but if I kiss Mr. Toad right away maybe I could catch him as a prince and I have never heard about any Princely pooping problems.
Oh my God, do you think I am loosing my mind? Is it the season? Deck the halls and all that. Kiss the frog. Kiss Dr. Song. I did have a full body scan this morning and was injected with more radioactive stuff and some of it must have gone to my brain so I take no responsibility for what I am saying. Or thinking.
I have to buy some presents. I'm late. For a very important date. Did I ever mention that I was cast once as the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland because I fit into the costume? Actually, it was Alice in UNDERLAND and it was a Seven-Up commercial, THE UNCOLA, and I went up for the part of Alice (I had long blonde hair, after all) but I happened to fit into the rabbit suit and oh they were so happy to have an actress who even fit into the damn rabbit feet shoes. I was so humiliated wearing that giant rabbit head that I wouldn't take it off all day, even for lunch. They would fork sloppy joes into my big rabbit mouth. And no one ever knew what I really looked like. I just sat in that costume all day, crying, wondering why I wasn't Alice. My entire childhood flashed before me as I watched through the rabbit hole eyes the entire crew flirt with Alice and I sat on the sidelines, legs crossed and sloppy joe dripping down my whiskers.
Good residuals, though.
So Monday they fix my tube.
And maybe that frog will be there.
I am so ready.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Where Have I Been?
Well, the answer to that question is...No where. Actually, that's not completely true. Thursday night I went to my friend's Dennis and Dierdre's house for Thanksgiving. And I ate. Oh boy oh boy oh boy did I eat. Yes, hold on to your chairs. I, the one with almost no stomach and only part of an esophagus was able to eat ONE BITE of carrot and ONE BITE of mashed potato! Ta da! How is that for a feast? Oh, and one tiny bite of apple pie. Oooooh, it was heavenly. Just that tiny bite. And I was thankful for so many wonderful things in my life.........................
That is so not true. What the hell do I have to be thankful for? I wanted to eat that whole damn pie. And the pumpkin one, too. And I wanted turkey and gravy and CRANBERRIES! And sweet potatoes and I didn't want anyone else to have anything. Just lots of food for me. ME ME ME! Dammit. Thankful? This has been one lousy shitty yucky year and to top it off I can't move my right arm. Yes. I am sitting here in pain writing this blog because one week ago I slept in some funny position on my right side and Joyce massaged it and that helped but I still can't lift it up and right now it is hurting as I write and all I want to do is eat something with sugar but I can't do that so I blog with a pain that has nothing to do with cancer just some new inconvenience while I wait for what's next in my seemingly endless series of woes. OH WOE IS ME!!!!!!!!!
Okay, that's out of my system now. All I really wanted was a piece of pie. So I had to complain. Just a bit. Come on. Everyone has to complain every once in a while. Right? And I am thankful. So very, very thankful...For...
My left arm. Yeah, that's it. My left arm works. I am thankful for my left arm. But I have to get off early today because my right arm is killing me and I think I need a popcycle or maybe a bicycle and don't you just love the holidays. Don't they just fill you with joy and hope and happiness?
And pie? Next year, fuck it. I am eating pie on Thanksgiving. With my right hand. A la mode. And if I pass out in a pie filled coma it will be with a smile on my face and a little belly full of sweet apples and I will give thanks for everything and maybe we'll be out of Iraq and I will stop feeling sorry for myself in anyway because truthfully I have everything a person could want and I am one of the lucky ones even without the use of my arm...Which is only temporary. Right?
RIGHT?
Okay, already. I am thankful and I love you all and peace on earth and all that jazz.
RIGHT?
That is so not true. What the hell do I have to be thankful for? I wanted to eat that whole damn pie. And the pumpkin one, too. And I wanted turkey and gravy and CRANBERRIES! And sweet potatoes and I didn't want anyone else to have anything. Just lots of food for me. ME ME ME! Dammit. Thankful? This has been one lousy shitty yucky year and to top it off I can't move my right arm. Yes. I am sitting here in pain writing this blog because one week ago I slept in some funny position on my right side and Joyce massaged it and that helped but I still can't lift it up and right now it is hurting as I write and all I want to do is eat something with sugar but I can't do that so I blog with a pain that has nothing to do with cancer just some new inconvenience while I wait for what's next in my seemingly endless series of woes. OH WOE IS ME!!!!!!!!!
Okay, that's out of my system now. All I really wanted was a piece of pie. So I had to complain. Just a bit. Come on. Everyone has to complain every once in a while. Right? And I am thankful. So very, very thankful...For...
My left arm. Yeah, that's it. My left arm works. I am thankful for my left arm. But I have to get off early today because my right arm is killing me and I think I need a popcycle or maybe a bicycle and don't you just love the holidays. Don't they just fill you with joy and hope and happiness?
And pie? Next year, fuck it. I am eating pie on Thanksgiving. With my right hand. A la mode. And if I pass out in a pie filled coma it will be with a smile on my face and a little belly full of sweet apples and I will give thanks for everything and maybe we'll be out of Iraq and I will stop feeling sorry for myself in anyway because truthfully I have everything a person could want and I am one of the lucky ones even without the use of my arm...Which is only temporary. Right?
RIGHT?
Okay, already. I am thankful and I love you all and peace on earth and all that jazz.
RIGHT?
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Long Story Short
Well, obviously nothing seems as important or as exciting as last Tuesday night. Amazing and it happened in our life time. How lucky are we. He's smart! He's handsome. She's smart! She's beautiful. And they have to much shit to deal with I cannot even imagine. But for some reason I think they can actually handle it. Finally someone is representing me that I am proud of in so many ways. Will brought me home from the hospital just in time for the returns. Yes, I was in the hospital for a week. Okay, now I'm going to talk about my silly personal stuff that seems so meaningless compared to the shift that occurred last week in the unsteady plates of the USA.
In a nutshell, here's what happened...Suddenly, I couldn't eat anything. Not yogurt, not peanut butter, not Popsicles, not water...NOTHING. Hmmmm. Not a good sign. So I got very dehydrated and finally checked myself into the hospital where they started pumping fluids into me and some pain medication and anti nausea to try and help me stop tossing my cookies. (Oh, for a cookie. Warm and dripping chocolate chips. Even a snickerdoodle would do) So it was determined that the clinical trial I was trying was not working and my days as a guinea pig were over. I failed. I asked the doctor in charge of the trial if that meant I won something just for donating my body to science for five weeks. You know, like a trip to Paris, business class or Sarah Palin's old wardrobe, perhaps, even though it's not my style but I might like her blue moose sweatshirt but no, I get nothing except a pat on the back and a thanks a lot and please bring back the pills you didn't finish. Hmmm, wonder what XL88L is worth on the street. Probably a punch in the nose. So now I am onto the next treatment, good ole radiation. They have tattooed a mark on my heart and a couple marks on my sides and five days a week I go into a Star Trekkie room where I machine rotates around and radiates my tumor that is preventing me from eating or drinking. The tumor that just seems to be growing and not taking orders from anyone. One good thing about this little tumor, it seems to be on it's own, not bothering any other organs. Just does it's own thing and that's a good thing. Thank goodness! Something in the positive column for once. So for three weeks I get radiated and then............WHATEVER COMES NEXT!
Robert DeNiro. Remember him? I sort of do.
The most exciting moment of my radiation thus far...There are technicians who put you in the right place on the silver table so the radiation beam can hit you in the exact spot that it should. These technicians have all been women...Until today. Gordo. Gordo was there taking off my blouse and lying me on the table completely topless. It had been so long since a man had taken off my blouse that I wanted to throw my arms around Gordo and pull him down to the silver table where the beam would go threw his back to my chest and we would be some kind of bonded. But I resisted and he covered me with a towel and beep beep I was radiated alone. Just me and my tumor and Gordo in the outside "safe" room. Maybe I'll ask if I could stand in the safe room with Gordo while he zaps someone else. Maybe we'll just be really good friends. Maybe I need a vacation
The mice are still here. Rats? I'm beginning to like them. I think they like me, too. I mean, they always leave me presents. And Christmas is coming. Nice to have something around that wants to give you presents, right?
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? Am I getting better? Or do I just keep trying out different possible methods that may or may not work? I was told today that the trial in Japan I was so interested in only seems to work on Japanese people! What the hell does that mean? Anything out there that just works on Jews? Must be something, right? Like a matzo ball chemo where they inject you twice a week with matzo meal and you complain every waking moment until the tumor has no choice but to shrink and get the hell out of there. I'm telling you, I am going to think of something so I can get back to some semblance of a normal life if it's the last thing I'm going to do.
Ah, but we've got a new President. Things have changed. There is Hope. Yes, there is. Even if everything went down hill from here a good thing happened. A change was allowed to occur. And we have one person in particular to thank for that change. George W. Bush. Even if things were just so/so I'm not sure such a radical change would have happened. I think things had to sink to very very far down that people of all persuasions felt that something drastic had to happen. I never thought I would say this but, thank you George W for doing such a spectacularly awful job that even people on your own side saw that there was really only one choice to get us out of this swamp. Thanks for bringing us Mr. Barack Obama. As that radiation radiates through my bones I get sort of a heavenly feeling that maybe love is in the air again.
Or maybe it's Gordo................................
In a nutshell, here's what happened...Suddenly, I couldn't eat anything. Not yogurt, not peanut butter, not Popsicles, not water...NOTHING. Hmmmm. Not a good sign. So I got very dehydrated and finally checked myself into the hospital where they started pumping fluids into me and some pain medication and anti nausea to try and help me stop tossing my cookies. (Oh, for a cookie. Warm and dripping chocolate chips. Even a snickerdoodle would do) So it was determined that the clinical trial I was trying was not working and my days as a guinea pig were over. I failed. I asked the doctor in charge of the trial if that meant I won something just for donating my body to science for five weeks. You know, like a trip to Paris, business class or Sarah Palin's old wardrobe, perhaps, even though it's not my style but I might like her blue moose sweatshirt but no, I get nothing except a pat on the back and a thanks a lot and please bring back the pills you didn't finish. Hmmm, wonder what XL88L is worth on the street. Probably a punch in the nose. So now I am onto the next treatment, good ole radiation. They have tattooed a mark on my heart and a couple marks on my sides and five days a week I go into a Star Trekkie room where I machine rotates around and radiates my tumor that is preventing me from eating or drinking. The tumor that just seems to be growing and not taking orders from anyone. One good thing about this little tumor, it seems to be on it's own, not bothering any other organs. Just does it's own thing and that's a good thing. Thank goodness! Something in the positive column for once. So for three weeks I get radiated and then............WHATEVER COMES NEXT!
Robert DeNiro. Remember him? I sort of do.
The most exciting moment of my radiation thus far...There are technicians who put you in the right place on the silver table so the radiation beam can hit you in the exact spot that it should. These technicians have all been women...Until today. Gordo. Gordo was there taking off my blouse and lying me on the table completely topless. It had been so long since a man had taken off my blouse that I wanted to throw my arms around Gordo and pull him down to the silver table where the beam would go threw his back to my chest and we would be some kind of bonded. But I resisted and he covered me with a towel and beep beep I was radiated alone. Just me and my tumor and Gordo in the outside "safe" room. Maybe I'll ask if I could stand in the safe room with Gordo while he zaps someone else. Maybe we'll just be really good friends. Maybe I need a vacation
The mice are still here. Rats? I'm beginning to like them. I think they like me, too. I mean, they always leave me presents. And Christmas is coming. Nice to have something around that wants to give you presents, right?
WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING? Am I getting better? Or do I just keep trying out different possible methods that may or may not work? I was told today that the trial in Japan I was so interested in only seems to work on Japanese people! What the hell does that mean? Anything out there that just works on Jews? Must be something, right? Like a matzo ball chemo where they inject you twice a week with matzo meal and you complain every waking moment until the tumor has no choice but to shrink and get the hell out of there. I'm telling you, I am going to think of something so I can get back to some semblance of a normal life if it's the last thing I'm going to do.
Ah, but we've got a new President. Things have changed. There is Hope. Yes, there is. Even if everything went down hill from here a good thing happened. A change was allowed to occur. And we have one person in particular to thank for that change. George W. Bush. Even if things were just so/so I'm not sure such a radical change would have happened. I think things had to sink to very very far down that people of all persuasions felt that something drastic had to happen. I never thought I would say this but, thank you George W for doing such a spectacularly awful job that even people on your own side saw that there was really only one choice to get us out of this swamp. Thanks for bringing us Mr. Barack Obama. As that radiation radiates through my bones I get sort of a heavenly feeling that maybe love is in the air again.
Or maybe it's Gordo................................
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Sleeping Booty
A PLAY IN TWO THIRDS OF AN ACT
ALEX: Psssssst. Hey Isadore. I think we'd better bust this joint.
ISADORE: Shhhhhh. I'm busy here.
ALEX: No, listen to me. We are not long for this world if we stay here. I got a bad feeling about this house.
ISADORE: Oh man. Can't you just relax for one hour, 'fraidy rat? Me and Allison here are watchin' Jon Stewart and Colbert, for God's sake? Best things on the tube since Beevis and Butthead went off the air.
ALEX: You ever see Rachael Maddow? Now that broad is hot.
ISADORE: Hey, She's a lesbo, man.
ALEX: Cannot be.
ISADORE: She is. And she's out. Says it all over the papers. The New York Times, no less.
ALEX: Told you not to read the New York Times. It's trash. Left wing balderdash.
ISADORE: What the hell does that mean?
ALEX: How many times have I told you that maybe you should occasionally pick up a dictionary, bonehead?
ISADORE: Are you crazy? I can't even drag one of those refrigerators off the shelf. They weigh a ton. And they call that a book? And will you please just shut your trap 'cause I'm watchin' some high class entertainment here.
ALEX: Nope. Not Rachael Maddow. Not a hot one like that. Just cannot be.
ALLISON: Hey, Izzy, Alex, could the two of you possibly shut your pie holes up for once? Is that like possible?
ALEX: Oh, now there's some nice lady like talk. I think Allison here has just outed herself.
ISADORE: Come to think of it, when was the last time you were on a date, Ms. Allison with the biggest hooters on the planet.
ALLISON: Very funny, Mr. Isadore, with the smallest...
ISADORE: SHUT UP MS. DEBBIE DOES DALLAS. JUST SHUT IT UP NOW, YOU HEAR?
ALEX: Shhhhhh. You Dumbos are gonna wake Trish and that is just what we do not need right now.
ISADORE: You kiddin'? Those pills she takes can knock her out for a week. You ever see how many pills that chick can take? She's got a virtual pharmacy in her bathroom.
ALEX: Could you guys listen to me for one second here, please? This gal is onto to us. Hear that? ON TO US! By election day we are all dead rats, thrown into the garbage with all the rest of the phony ballots, trust me.
ISADORE: Nah. Impossible. This here is a peace and love chick. Haven't you seen the peace signs all over her house? Everywhere. They are everywhere, man. Like it's 1965 or something. Sickening. Like she's Janis Joplin only with no hair. Plus she's for Obama and Biden plus she's got Buddhas all over the front yard and the back and I'm tellin' you this gal is not killin' a creature on this planet. Not even an ant. One of those kind.
ALEX: Oh yeah? Well what and who did I see whilst you two were sleeping all cozy in her cookie drawer last week? Huh? Huh?!
ALEX: Oh wow, we sure left a lot of droppins' in that drawer, didn't we Allison?
ALLISON: Thousands, huh Isadore?
ISADORE: More like millions! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ALLISON: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ALEX: Okay, so you guys laugh while Rome is burning, which I have no idea what that means but let me show you something.
ISADORE: Before Colbert is over?
ALEX: Yes, before Colbert is over if you know what's good for you. Follow me.
ALLISON AND ISADORE FOLLOW ALEX INTO THE KITCHEN.
ALEX: You two ever been in THIS drawer before?
ISADORE: I was goin' in tomorrow.
ALEX: Well, I suggest you take a look right now or there may not be a tomorrow!
ALLISON: You are so dramatic, Alex. So dramatic.
ALEX OPENS THE DRAWER AND ALLISON AND ISADORE ENTER. AFTER A MOMENT.....
(FROM INSIDE THE DRAWER.) "Yikes! Traps!
THEY BOTH RUN OUT AND SLAM THE DRAWER BEHIND THEM. ALLISON SLINKS SLOWLY DOWN TO THE LINOLEUM WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER CHEEKS.
ALLISON: I can't believe it. Why would she do this to us? She loves peace and she loves love. Plus I like her house soooooo much. Did you see her moisturizers? And serums? They are heaven in a bottle. She has everything a girl could want. And she can't share? Why would she do this to innocent little..."
ALEX: Rats. We're rats Allison. Look at us. You'd need an ocean of moisturizer to look presentable to the human race.
ALLISON: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I knew it. They hate me. The entire human race hates me. Because I'm ugly. And rough. Once, just once couldn't somebody, anybody...exfoliate me? Oh, the life of a rat is such a sad and lonely road, isn't it Isadore?
ISADORE: Can I please just finish watching Colbert?"
ALEX: Gather your things and let's get out before dawn."
ALLISON: We have no things.
ISADORE: Maybe this Trish gal will come back as a rat and then she'll see how tough life can really be.
ALLISON: I'm ugly, aren't I? Just plain ugly. Viggo Mortenson would never give me a second look. Never.
ALEX: Aw Allison. You are the most beautiful rat I ever encountered.
ALLISON: Really?
LONG PAUSE.
ALEX AND ISADORE: Sure. Absolutely. Rat extraordinaire.
ALEX: Look at that long completely creepy tail. Gotta love it.
THE THREE OF THEM HEAD OUT THROUGH A SCREEN THEN TURN BACK TO LOOK AT THE HOUSE ONE MORE TIME.
ALLISON: Bitch.
ISADORE: With a great TV.
ALEX: Hey, you know where we're never been? Mar Vista.
ISADORE: I hear they got big houses there. And it's right near Costco. Where they get those gigantic sacks of food. And I'm talkin' gigantic.
ALEX: And they got triple sized jars of lotion, Allison.
ALLISON: Really? Loads and loads of lotion? Well then, it's On to Mar Vista for me!
ALLISON, ALEX AND ISADORE: Weeeeeee're off to see Mar Vista
The prettiest city on earth.
Because, because, because, because...................................
AND FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE...
TRISH: Did I just hear singing? Oh my God, these pills are driving me crazy.
SHE PICKS UP HER PHONE AND DIALS.
TRISH: Hi, it's me...Hey, could you please give me a ride to Costco tomorrow? I don't know, just had a feeling I'd like to go. Get some giant bags of something................................
ALEX: Psssssst. Hey Isadore. I think we'd better bust this joint.
ISADORE: Shhhhhh. I'm busy here.
ALEX: No, listen to me. We are not long for this world if we stay here. I got a bad feeling about this house.
ISADORE: Oh man. Can't you just relax for one hour, 'fraidy rat? Me and Allison here are watchin' Jon Stewart and Colbert, for God's sake? Best things on the tube since Beevis and Butthead went off the air.
ALEX: You ever see Rachael Maddow? Now that broad is hot.
ISADORE: Hey, She's a lesbo, man.
ALEX: Cannot be.
ISADORE: She is. And she's out. Says it all over the papers. The New York Times, no less.
ALEX: Told you not to read the New York Times. It's trash. Left wing balderdash.
ISADORE: What the hell does that mean?
ALEX: How many times have I told you that maybe you should occasionally pick up a dictionary, bonehead?
ISADORE: Are you crazy? I can't even drag one of those refrigerators off the shelf. They weigh a ton. And they call that a book? And will you please just shut your trap 'cause I'm watchin' some high class entertainment here.
ALEX: Nope. Not Rachael Maddow. Not a hot one like that. Just cannot be.
ALLISON: Hey, Izzy, Alex, could the two of you possibly shut your pie holes up for once? Is that like possible?
ALEX: Oh, now there's some nice lady like talk. I think Allison here has just outed herself.
ISADORE: Come to think of it, when was the last time you were on a date, Ms. Allison with the biggest hooters on the planet.
ALLISON: Very funny, Mr. Isadore, with the smallest...
ISADORE: SHUT UP MS. DEBBIE DOES DALLAS. JUST SHUT IT UP NOW, YOU HEAR?
ALEX: Shhhhhh. You Dumbos are gonna wake Trish and that is just what we do not need right now.
ISADORE: You kiddin'? Those pills she takes can knock her out for a week. You ever see how many pills that chick can take? She's got a virtual pharmacy in her bathroom.
ALEX: Could you guys listen to me for one second here, please? This gal is onto to us. Hear that? ON TO US! By election day we are all dead rats, thrown into the garbage with all the rest of the phony ballots, trust me.
ISADORE: Nah. Impossible. This here is a peace and love chick. Haven't you seen the peace signs all over her house? Everywhere. They are everywhere, man. Like it's 1965 or something. Sickening. Like she's Janis Joplin only with no hair. Plus she's for Obama and Biden plus she's got Buddhas all over the front yard and the back and I'm tellin' you this gal is not killin' a creature on this planet. Not even an ant. One of those kind.
ALEX: Oh yeah? Well what and who did I see whilst you two were sleeping all cozy in her cookie drawer last week? Huh? Huh?!
ALEX: Oh wow, we sure left a lot of droppins' in that drawer, didn't we Allison?
ALLISON: Thousands, huh Isadore?
ISADORE: More like millions! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ALLISON: Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ALEX: Okay, so you guys laugh while Rome is burning, which I have no idea what that means but let me show you something.
ISADORE: Before Colbert is over?
ALEX: Yes, before Colbert is over if you know what's good for you. Follow me.
ALLISON AND ISADORE FOLLOW ALEX INTO THE KITCHEN.
ALEX: You two ever been in THIS drawer before?
ISADORE: I was goin' in tomorrow.
ALEX: Well, I suggest you take a look right now or there may not be a tomorrow!
ALLISON: You are so dramatic, Alex. So dramatic.
ALEX OPENS THE DRAWER AND ALLISON AND ISADORE ENTER. AFTER A MOMENT.....
(FROM INSIDE THE DRAWER.) "Yikes! Traps!
THEY BOTH RUN OUT AND SLAM THE DRAWER BEHIND THEM. ALLISON SLINKS SLOWLY DOWN TO THE LINOLEUM WITH TEARS STREAMING DOWN HER CHEEKS.
ALLISON: I can't believe it. Why would she do this to us? She loves peace and she loves love. Plus I like her house soooooo much. Did you see her moisturizers? And serums? They are heaven in a bottle. She has everything a girl could want. And she can't share? Why would she do this to innocent little..."
ALEX: Rats. We're rats Allison. Look at us. You'd need an ocean of moisturizer to look presentable to the human race.
ALLISON: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I knew it. They hate me. The entire human race hates me. Because I'm ugly. And rough. Once, just once couldn't somebody, anybody...exfoliate me? Oh, the life of a rat is such a sad and lonely road, isn't it Isadore?
ISADORE: Can I please just finish watching Colbert?"
ALEX: Gather your things and let's get out before dawn."
ALLISON: We have no things.
ISADORE: Maybe this Trish gal will come back as a rat and then she'll see how tough life can really be.
ALLISON: I'm ugly, aren't I? Just plain ugly. Viggo Mortenson would never give me a second look. Never.
ALEX: Aw Allison. You are the most beautiful rat I ever encountered.
ALLISON: Really?
LONG PAUSE.
ALEX AND ISADORE: Sure. Absolutely. Rat extraordinaire.
ALEX: Look at that long completely creepy tail. Gotta love it.
THE THREE OF THEM HEAD OUT THROUGH A SCREEN THEN TURN BACK TO LOOK AT THE HOUSE ONE MORE TIME.
ALLISON: Bitch.
ISADORE: With a great TV.
ALEX: Hey, you know where we're never been? Mar Vista.
ISADORE: I hear they got big houses there. And it's right near Costco. Where they get those gigantic sacks of food. And I'm talkin' gigantic.
ALEX: And they got triple sized jars of lotion, Allison.
ALLISON: Really? Loads and loads of lotion? Well then, it's On to Mar Vista for me!
ALLISON, ALEX AND ISADORE: Weeeeeee're off to see Mar Vista
The prettiest city on earth.
Because, because, because, because...................................
AND FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE...
TRISH: Did I just hear singing? Oh my God, these pills are driving me crazy.
SHE PICKS UP HER PHONE AND DIALS.
TRISH: Hi, it's me...Hey, could you please give me a ride to Costco tomorrow? I don't know, just had a feeling I'd like to go. Get some giant bags of something................................
Monday, October 13, 2008
Asleep At The Squeal
I think it was twenty, no maybe thirty mice that came into my bedroom after I had taken my critical trial pills that knock me out completely and these little critters carried me out to the backyard like a Mrs. Gulliver or possibly a Mrs. Travels and they left me there...LEFT ME THERE...to sleep it off, meaning the pills... And I woke up as the sun rose on my face and slowly I opened my eyes and it took me a moment to realize just where I was but it took longer than that to understand how I had gotten there. Gracie, the dog, was licking my toes and looking up at me as if to say, "Girl, you are a mess. You have got to start taking care of yourself." This from my stinky but lovely little dog and I walked into the house then into my bedroom and was shocked to find the entire bed covered with mouse droppings and little chewed corners and I put two and two together and realized that everything that's gone on in my life in the last week has been rodent related. And you wonder why I haven't been blogging. Who can blog with creatures running from one end of the room to another while you're trying to write? IS THIS ANYWAY TO LIVE? Well, I guess it's one way. Not a way that I would have chosen. No sirree. What I would have chosen would have been to be signing my new novel in Barnes and Nobel in New York City and having actual food, maybe some fish and asparagus and potatoes at some nice restaurant with my book agent and a few friends and maybe stopping for a hot dog at a little stand in the village on my way to see some underground jazz because I can eat anything I want and I do and at the jazz club I'm going to have at least two margaritas and a whole lot of chips and...........
But actually I am plagued by mice AND these pills I am taking are sucking the daylight out of me. Meaning, I can't seem to stay awake. However, I had a thought that if I took the pills at night maybe I would sleep at night like a normal person and then could be awake in the daytime LIKE A NORMAL PERSON! So I ran this by my doctor and he said fine but he'd have to run it by the company. THE COMPANY? Oh, that's right. I am a guinea pig. I always forget that. And I am ruled by the company. If the company wants me to hop on one foot, I will hop on one foot. I am but a number. In fact my pills are called XL880. Not Little Buddy or Rachael La Mode but XL880. Sound like science fiction to you? Am I living on The Enterprise or what? Where am I? Mice carrying me around the house. Pills making me sleep. And this is going to cure me? I don't even know who The Company consist of. What if Dick Cheney owns The Company? THEN WHAT? Because where has that guy been for the last year? And then will Sarah Palin own it? OHMYGOD. I would have to take orders from Sarah Palin? All right, this is way too much. I really think it's getting close that time when I rip off all the damn pain patches, throw out all the pain pills, pack up a little suitcase and get myself to some peaceful place, maybe Carpinteria and just run around until I drop. To hell with The Company. they don't care about ME. It's for the greater good. So I sleep for eight weeks and get woken up by a rodent kissing me on the lips. Not the Disney movie I grew up with. But, hey, it's all interesting.
OH HELL, IT SUCKS. THIS WHOLE MOUSE PILL THING SUCKS THERE IS NO WAY AROUND IT. Oh sure, tell me my hair is coming in so quickly and looks so full even though it's only a quarter inch from my scalp. Come on, tell me how good I look with no meat on my bones. Hey, you know what I really want you to tell me..........THAT IT ALL SUCKS and I got dealt a pretty bad hand.
But first I'd like you to teach me how to play poker. So I can know what a bad hand really means. Always wondered that. Dealt a bad hand. Oh, I'm just rambling. Because, honestly, with the son that I have, I know I was dealt the best of hands. Come rodents come, eat me alive. Drop your droppings everywhere. You can't hurt me. I have something that means more to me than any stupid pillow case or missing potato chips.
Ah. I feel better now. Sometimes you have to run around in a little crazy circle like a dog before you can land in that "just right" spot. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
But actually I am plagued by mice AND these pills I am taking are sucking the daylight out of me. Meaning, I can't seem to stay awake. However, I had a thought that if I took the pills at night maybe I would sleep at night like a normal person and then could be awake in the daytime LIKE A NORMAL PERSON! So I ran this by my doctor and he said fine but he'd have to run it by the company. THE COMPANY? Oh, that's right. I am a guinea pig. I always forget that. And I am ruled by the company. If the company wants me to hop on one foot, I will hop on one foot. I am but a number. In fact my pills are called XL880. Not Little Buddy or Rachael La Mode but XL880. Sound like science fiction to you? Am I living on The Enterprise or what? Where am I? Mice carrying me around the house. Pills making me sleep. And this is going to cure me? I don't even know who The Company consist of. What if Dick Cheney owns The Company? THEN WHAT? Because where has that guy been for the last year? And then will Sarah Palin own it? OHMYGOD. I would have to take orders from Sarah Palin? All right, this is way too much. I really think it's getting close that time when I rip off all the damn pain patches, throw out all the pain pills, pack up a little suitcase and get myself to some peaceful place, maybe Carpinteria and just run around until I drop. To hell with The Company. they don't care about ME. It's for the greater good. So I sleep for eight weeks and get woken up by a rodent kissing me on the lips. Not the Disney movie I grew up with. But, hey, it's all interesting.
OH HELL, IT SUCKS. THIS WHOLE MOUSE PILL THING SUCKS THERE IS NO WAY AROUND IT. Oh sure, tell me my hair is coming in so quickly and looks so full even though it's only a quarter inch from my scalp. Come on, tell me how good I look with no meat on my bones. Hey, you know what I really want you to tell me..........THAT IT ALL SUCKS and I got dealt a pretty bad hand.
But first I'd like you to teach me how to play poker. So I can know what a bad hand really means. Always wondered that. Dealt a bad hand. Oh, I'm just rambling. Because, honestly, with the son that I have, I know I was dealt the best of hands. Come rodents come, eat me alive. Drop your droppings everywhere. You can't hurt me. I have something that means more to me than any stupid pillow case or missing potato chips.
Ah. I feel better now. Sometimes you have to run around in a little crazy circle like a dog before you can land in that "just right" spot. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.
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